Hall of the Monkey King

2009-11-14T03:08:00.001-05:00

for the first time in a long time, i have a beautiful woman in my bed. and i'm not in it. the word you're looking for is asshole. thank you.

Bete Noire

2009-09-17T01:25:00.005-05:00

Recently I dreamed of vampires. It's rare for the undead to visit in my dreams. In fact, it's only been within the past few years that the macabre actually moved from my waking fantasy life to the sleeping one. I use my subconscious zombie apocalypse scenarios to see who I should throw under the bus. It's a nice little crib sheet to have in case of doom. It's no surprise, though, that the majority of people I see on a day to day basis are apparently expendable.

The thing about the few zombie dreams I've had, they are so matter of fact. It's something I don't question, rather it's a puzzle I need to solve. So and so has just become infected, what can I do to keep their lumbering, festering self from infecting me and others around me? Should I build an enclosure from pieces of cubicle wall?

This vampire dream I had, phew, the horror surprised me. Vampires are always such pansies, with their romantic aspirations and questionable existential struggles. In fact, within my dreamscape there was a romance brewing. Not with me, I was an obstacle. I don't know how, but I knew I was in the way. What does that say about the way I view myself? Now for some reason the vampires were British. Not a John Statham British, more of an Eric Idle brit. Just thinking about it now, I can't imagine why I was so filled with potential terror. I don't think it ever really reached actual terror, just that adrenalized frustration of pursuit, knowing that physically I was just no match against the pair of blood suckers. They weren't after my blood. My blood's probably tainted at this point any way. They were after a ring I was wearing. I haven't worn a ring since, well, ever. So what this claptrap was doing wrapped around my finger is a mystery. Also a mystery is why I didn't just toss the damned thing. So there was a girl, who had nothing to do with me, she was merely the intended recipient of my ring, the one ring. To rule them all. Needless to say, I was caught eventually and instead of taking the ring from me, they just ripped my finger off. Boy that was interesting. Somewhere in there, my mind couldn't translate what it must feel like to have a finger just torn right off so I left my body. That's when I realized that for some reason I was British too.

And there you have it. My one nightly encounter with Nosferatu.

Egads! Comcast eats my nuts!

2009-07-21T17:42:00.000-05:00

My cherished beloved nuts. Just 13 months ago, I was paying just under $45 a month for Comcast. I was paying $55 for just internet service (which was well worth it since I was paying more than that for shoddy DSL service before that. what a crap.) But they called me (whilst I was over in the Vegas way) and told me they would lower my monthly bills, all I had to do was get basic cable. Wait, says I, you want to give me more service and lower my bills? I thought it had the smell of Scam about it but was assured that if I discovered I didn't want to keep it my service would revert back at no cost. There was no cancellation fee or anything. Balls out! I gave the go ahead. So there I was blissfully immersing myself back into american pop culture. Ten years, sans tv. Boy did I forget how much I hate commercials.

Here, my views of Comcast were highly elevated. I was pleased, nay, elated by the gifts bestowed upon me by the very gods of media......until I had to move. When the day came for me to part ways with the ramshackle hut I previously called a home I called Comcast to move my service. After all they advertised all sorts ease and convenience in my move. I was then told that the service I had up to this point was not Comcast. So even though my checks were made out to Comcast and cashed by Comcast, it wasn't really Comcast at all. In fact to get Comcast, I had to call Comcast up to cancel and then call Comcast (the real Comcast) to get new service. When I asked about the cost, explaining how much I was paying, she literally laughed at me. The best she could do, to match what I was paying is to give me the starter package at $68 a month. So, to switch from Comcast to Comcast, I had to pay an additional $23 a month. Ok, I caved, at this point I was addicted to the damned boob tube already. It wasn't that much and I was fairly certain what I was paying before was a little on the low side. (Skeptically low, if you recall from just a paragraph ago)

It was around this time I learned the awful joys of Comcast service. Each step of the way was a torturous experience. Setting up this fiasco I called Comcast, they in turn transferred me to Comcast, who then transferred me to Comcast, after which I was transferred to Comcast, who sent me back to the original Comcast. I believe this exchange took me 2 hrs of holding, just to set up a date to have someone come over. Seriously, a 15 second conversation that took me hours.

A week before the scheduled date, I come home from work to find a note on my door complaining that I wasn't there for the appointment. I assumed it was a mistake. The next day I found another note stating the same thing and advising me they weren't going to come again until I called. Back to the phones I go....

Once this was fixed, the cable guy came to install my cable. He finished the job within minutes. But then....he had to call it in. They kept him on hold for over an hour. 1/2 an hour in he was flipping out. He explained to me how crappy it was to do work for Comcast because this kind of shit was constant. That doesn't bode well thinks I.

The first thing I noticed was that all 100's of channels did not correspond to the guide that was given me. Add to that, the fact it takes up to 5 seconds to switch from channel to channel made channel surfing an impossibility. I was assured that this would be corrected. (It was, it just took 6 months, at which point I had memorized the wrong pattern already)

In the past year, I had to call for service once, as nothing on my television resembled anything other than little blocks of epileptic colors. This was also not a pleasant experience. And took multiple visits.

Not that long ago, Verizon FIOS came by trying to hawk their wares. I turned them away solely based on my horrid previous experience of transition. But today I got my bill. Apparently my previous monthly bill was an introductory rate. I am now to pay $119 a month for the same damned thing I was paying $45 for 13 months ago. To the same damned company.

In summation, Comcast eats my nuts!! And they will eat yours as well, those squirrely bastards!!

damned

2008-11-19T16:40:00.001-05:00

the binary gods hate me.

01000110 01010101 binary gods!

The Rick

2008-10-28T22:31:00.003-05:00

the thing about vanity plates is that i'm not interested in whatever you feel there is about you that you feel you must share with the general public. at least not while i'm stuck behind you in traffic during a sudden snowstorm in october. be it how solid your relationship is by putting both your initials on there, or your occupation, or you ego like "THE RICK", or you sense of humor. but today i was behind a plate that said "RAMRODN" driven by a man that was about 345 yrs old. what's he telling me?

2008-10-18T12:31:00.003-05:00

There's been a shift in scenery this way. No more leaks, no more haunts. No more cheap ass rent. And I promise you that this stupid couch/bed will be turned to kindling if I move again. The thing is a beast and mauled me several times during our journey together. I'm going to be investing in furniture made of balsa and bubblewrap.

My occupation has also turned, I no longer feel sick to my soul doing my job.

In different news, today I traded in some useless and mediocre dvds for some horror movies. And with my store credit and various sales I got 4 of em for $6.66. Which makes this the third time this week that number has reared it's ugly head. 666 pieces of spam for a friend, and digging up old files at work dated 06/06/06. What to make of it all eh?

this is just a preliminary post to see if i feel like continuing.

Whoa!!

2007-08-10T20:15:00.000-05:00

i just found my cd for sale on amazon.

that is unfathomable that it is selling for that much.

i could make a killing!!

take no offense...

2007-07-25T17:22:00.000-05:00

what is the word that defines the ability to pick up on others emotions? is it 'empathy'? 'Sensitivity'? whatever it is, i need to get rid of it. i need to chuck that and 'conscience' right out the window. while i'm assessing my intangibles i might as well amp up my psychic abilities. because, although being aware that someone is upset with you and distancing themselves and not understanding why is the shit, i am totally lying to you.

i have somehow, inexplicably, accumulated a substantial amount of syllables in one sentence. also, i have gathered around me a large number of people who's behaviors confound me. that two of them are ex-girlfriend's who have a great capacity to consistently tell me something and act accordingly, and by accordingly i mean just the opposite, must say something about me. i'm sure if i kept in touch with a couple others they might also be doing the exact same thing. am i drawn to this kind of bullshit? am i my own antithesis?

examples, including those from the afore mentioned exes but not limited to. why go out of your way to tell me that we need to get together and then proceed to avoid getting together? now, once or twice, not too much concern there but if that is the only communication you have with me, why bother? if you happen to be reading this...don't worry, you're not the only one. why call me only to tell me that you will call me back? it's not as if i called you first. seems to me there's an unnecessary step in this exchange of nothing, that being my answering the phone. why initiate and make extensive plans that include several people to be the one that backs out at the very last minute? all of these things by themselves are not so much an issue but when they become the defining characteristic of your personality, something that you can count on, something guaranteed...well, it makes me want to punch the air and scream in celebration.

and just to keep this current. why extend the hand of friendship only to withdraw it the next day? and then extend it once more the following day?

i'm beginning to feel like a leper. only i haven't dropped any body parts in my soup.

Memories

2007-07-12T17:38:00.000-05:00

An odd concoction. Sometimes I knock back a couple of shots. Sometimes it's the other way around. It says something about me that most of my good memories are tinged with sharp edges or that if I stay too long it begins to taste bitter. Not necessarily something pleasant or a proud picture of myself but there you have it, a piece. Of the short term variety I have none. The rest that stick around I use for entertainment, to create and forge my identity.

They usually don't come empty-handed. For an example, there is a particular smell that comes upon me and I will always stop what I am doing to let it linger. I wonder in those moments if it is an actual smell that I came across that was the same or the memory of the original. She brings a smile with her, but of the sharp or bitter variety, she is the latter.

I am going to present to you two memories of a similar nature. With them I will demonstrate something. It's just that I don't know what it is yet. So bear with me and come along, perhaps you will find it first.

I am not a violent man. Though for years my life was violent as was my nature. It has since been tempered by consequence. If pressed though I will still reach for the lead pipe.

There was a girl once, who broke my heart gently in tiny installments, whom I had just finished having dinner with when the first of these two memories occurred. She left without me and I went my own way. As I turned the corner I was nearly run over by a large pick-up with tires as tall as I. A voice blared at me to watch where I was going and questioned where I learned to drive. It occurred to me that I was not in the wrong in our near accident. In fact when I stopped my car to think about it I was parked directly in front of him and could clearly see, by looking down, the large painted arrow pointing directly at the grill of his truck. It seemed to me that he was going in the wrong direction. I pointed this out to him but I used the wrong finger and some not so colorful cursing spilled from his mouth. Reaching behind me I grabbed a crowbar and stepped out of my car to help him see a clearer picture. Now, here in my life I had been going on ten years without a fight. And so truthfully, I was soft. I became aware of it as both he and his friend began stepping out of his truck. Several thoughts came to me, starting with, How soft am I? ending with, Can I justify this to anyone, including myself, later on if I'm the one who starts this? I waited and neither of them were going to take a pause in the slander to step up so I got back in my car and drove away. As I pulled out I heard him say, "Yeah, that's right motherfucker, get back in your car." and I did stop to reconsider. In the end I left.

This one sticks in my craw. I don't know why. It bothers me so much. Perhaps it's idea that they think I backed down. Perhaps it's because I think I backed down. Perhaps it's because I know they never understood that I was actually never in the wrong. I don't know for certain.

The second memory involves a racist. Now I've lived with several different variety's of racist. There was the Sicilian guy who hated Blacks and Jews. We tried to tell him that there's Moorish blood integrated in his Sicilian background and he would have none of it. How did I come to live with him unscathed? Simple, the Bell Curve. He was brilliant, got a doctorate in law and medicine from what I hear. He was an interesting guy. But this is not about him.

There was the lady I rented a room from who offered me her bed the first week I lived there. She declared that she was very open-minded and was "the least racist" person that ever lived. And I think she believed it. But her constant off handed comments about my teaching her Kung-fu and how I should have been good at math coupled by her fear of the guy sleeping in his car (she called the police because he was black) amongst other things led me to believe that she was in actuality the Most racist person I have ever met. She was not so interesting. But this is also not about her.

The one person that I did come at odds with was a black guy who hated white people. And as long as I wasn't black, I was white. In fact the other black roommate I had (he was half black, half native american and about 8 feet tall) was also not black. Many were the nights I would hear the two of them go on. "How you dissin' a brotha like that?" "You ain't a brotha! You talk to these guys!" These guys would be the other nine people who lived there. Now how did this come about? How did he end up moving in to a house full of college students? The rest of us got along great. Somehow he finagled his way in through the landlord. None of us ok'd it but the landlord assumed somehow that we all did and signed an agreement with him. So he moved in with his girlfriend. He set up a barbershop outside my bedroom door where he gave cuts to ganstas. Many things walked out of the house with them. Fortunately for most of us we were broke college kids and didn't own much. Not all of us though. One night he threatened to cut me with a knife. And I just about had it. I tried to cool off by going for a walk but ended up storming into his room ready to break his chicken legs off for him. It was more than obvious that he deserved the beating he was about to get. Everyone waited calmly for me to trounce him, even his friend barely stepped in to stop me. And to be perfectly honest, at this point in my life, I was not soft and there was no doubt in anyone's mind what the outcome of this would be. I watched as he put up his dukes, and was about paste him when he sort of whimpered in that 'I gotta save face' kind of way and said "let's see what your kung fu can do!". In that moment a wave of disgust washed over me and I turned my back on him and slowly walked out of his room.

I still firmly believe that this man deserved and needed a beating to straighten him out. When I think about it, I know that this one ended the right way. I should have and could have beaten him silly, but I feel that I left a better person for not having done it.

So why don't I feel that way about the other one? Why does that one feel like that sharp angled dorito that I tried to swallow before chewing it?

there was fairly little thought put into this post, but then again it's been a while.

yowza

2007-06-23T21:39:00.001-05:00

i think i ate so much i gave myself a headache.

today a bird pooped on me

2007-05-17T21:21:00.001-05:00

welp

2007-04-30T21:50:00.000-05:00

Due to some hardware issues, my computer may shut itself off any minute now so I will give you a few keywords to sum up this past week. Feel free to tie them all together in any way you see fit.

One short arm, large quantities of fried chicken, clown porn, chicken and rice guy, family guy, traffic, meetings upon meetings, ramen spices, 39 cent stamps, stupid spacebar, glorius 3D.

please, discuss this amongst yourselves. sooner or later I'm going to have to find the parts I need to fix this here computer.

Hey you!

2007-04-18T16:07:00.000-05:00

There are bills to be paid and you're just the one to do them for me. Right? Right?

Hey where are you going?

RIP

2007-04-12T17:52:00.000-05:00

RIP Mr Vonnegut

Weird Al and John Kricfalusi, deelicious!

2007-03-11T00:13:00.000-05:00

No parking in rear*

2007-02-28T20:24:00.000-05:00

I just woke from a dream. I was running across oddly shaped rooftops made of colorful plastics and metals, but it was getting dark so I barely noticed them. It seems I was in some sort of race though the object didn't seem to be to win. I remember coming to one of the last rooftops and pausing. It seemed slightly dangerous and it sloped rather sharply. The surface of the roof looked something like shoots (not the bamboo variety but the "...and ladders" type. At the end of this slide was a large tree. In front of the tree stood a very pretty girl that signaled for me to come ahead as she would help keep me from hurting myself. So I took her to her non-vocalized word and realized I was a sucker as she stepped aside at the last minute allowing me to slam heartily ballwards into the tree. I remember that I felt disheartened and slightly ashamed. Distancing myself from everyone, with a select group of people I wandered off. Here I remember trying to seek approval from my peers. For the life of me I don't know why as I didn't think much of them. Then suddenly I was being shown how to make this delicious bread and given examples of how I had previously failed in making this bread myself. It left me with the distinct taste of poorly made bread in my mouth. This is when I awoke with an epiphany. My brain sucks ass!! What the fuck was it thinking to give me such a shitty dream.

*in other news, a 51 yr old woman asked my what my sign was.

woohoo!!!! look who's back!!*

2007-02-28T20:22:00.000-05:00

And to begin with, I will give the requisite gripe about work that, let's face it, those of you who have good jobs use to reaffirm this fact. Because, really, how can you honestly compare your job to one that has a tv show dedicated to it or has been circulated through e-mail ad nauseam (ie. a job where you run the risk of having a jelly fish sucked through a tube into the crack of your ass.) My job is a soulless lifeless job. This attracts a certain type of person. And they have, in all their stereotypical goodness, landed into the cubicles surrounding me.

We will return to this momentarily. For now I am here to tell you that this post contains a purpose. And this purpose is what gives life to this paragraph. I need help. On several matters. So, if you kind folk could see it in your hearts to lend a hand I would be eternally grateful. And by eternally, I mean until you've forgotten about it.

I have a passion for the arts. Specifically music, but I have at the very least a passing interest in most media. Which is to say, the plural of medium, not necessarily the tv/magazine/movie definition. And if it pleases you feel free to sift through the multitude of definitions for 'medium'
to find which one I mean. That said, my job contains not a single aspect of this passion.

Now, while it may seem non sequitor I'm going to tell you about my new phone. I am now the hesitantly proud owner of a Samsung SCH-a870 flip phone with a camera slapped into it. My recently previous phone has developed a voracious appetite for battery life. It can completely suck that precious juice from a full battery in less than 24 hours of non-use, or 2 hours, whichever comes first. So it was decided by committee that a new phone was needed. After much research I settled on the Samsung SCH-a870. It seemed to have the highest rating in this price range. Until you read some of the user reviews.

Now that I have this phone I decided I should do some more hands on research and started calling people. Thus far I've discovered that 40% of the calls seemed really choppy but the persons on the other end of these calls all said that they were in an area of bad reception. Another 40% of these calls were crystal clear. Everyone in this category happens to be a Verizon customer like myself. And the final 20% were clear on my end but told me that I sounded choppy or as if I was distorted and run through a delay pedal.

Here is the first favor I ask. Does anyone want to talk to me and help me continue with my research?

Continuing with the tale of newly acquired phone. I mentioned that it had a camera did I not? So I felt I should include that in my research. Upon coming to this decision I decided to snap a picture of my horribly handsome mug. But who to send this to? Now there happened to be one person I could think of that I knew for certain could receive photos via cell phone. I decided not to send it only because of self doubt, paranoia and history. We hadn't spoken for some time so it was a surprise to me when I got a call from her just two hours later asking me to send of photo of myself. Well, how about that, I says to myself. The reason why she asked for a photo? Let's move onto favor number 2.

She is currently working on a film in the upper reaches of New York. That is 7 hours away by her speedy ass's account. Essentially, she was asking for a slipshod headshot to see if I might want to be an extra. The problem? I have a job. While I certainly wouldn't miss anything more than a paycheck if I lost it, I hesitate to do anything to jeopardize it. Cuz that paycheck, while meager let's me buy bacon. The shooting schedule may require I leave for days at a time which I will have to use in personal or sick time (they crush what's left at the end of the year to nothing) I have vacation time, but that needs 2 weeks notice and since the shooting dates are not a definite set time I can't really plan this ahead of time. Two other points to make. 1) I will not get paid for this, this will not further any career goals I have (heh..) 2) My job has been firing someone every week and a half this year. The bottom's falling out and corners are being cut and rat's are jumping ship and any other cliche you can fit in here. So...what should I do?**

See how I bought this full circle (ah...chock full of cliches today!!) right back to my crappy job?

And just to tag another favor on here. Does anyone know where I can find "hard to find" or underground International cd's? Scratch amazon cuz I already checked there. Specifically I am looking for this band, Crystal Lake's album Dimension on Imperium Recordings. (not to be confused with the white power label of the same name.) Before you click that link, know that it is hardcore/metal and very heavy, so if that type of music irritates your bowels...get some diapers before you listen. They're Japanese and if could read Japanese i would go to the Imperium website and order several other cd's by the likes of Loyal to the Grave, Birthplace, At One Stroke.

*still haven't heard back from them blogger folks but thanks to my trusty Firefox browser i was able to find my password and make it work!

**I am also very shitty at getting jobs. I don't have a knack for it.

Here's some bellyaching.

2007-01-09T22:09:00.000-05:00

pp

??
Whoa, I just magically turned all of my words into 2 p's. weird.

Hell hath no fury like the IRS scorned. What I mean is this, the IRS is like a little financial parasite. Only not so little. STOP TAKING MY MONEYS LIKE I HAVE SOME!!!! Apparently, due to an oversight I owe a vast sum of money. By vast I mean more than pocket change and less than my potential lottery winnings.

So one of these days I mean to post some photos of the various 'gifts' I've been gifted throughout the years. There are some gems in here and you will all be so jealous. This year I got me a nice bone and bamboo mahjong set. Love me some mahjong! Anyone wanna come over and play? I'll be glad to teach ya.

For the passing of one year to the next I celebrated by having my cranium disintegrated and alternating between freezing and sweating. It was a good time had by all. Thanks to those of you who stopped by and wished me happiness. I will be visiting you all shortly.

I am always amazed by the quantity of snot my body can generate in such a small amount of time. I think I managed to thoroughly dehydrate myself the other day entirely through my sinuses.

I hope you enjoy that image.

"It's my belief that my big balls should be held every night."*

2006-12-11T20:08:00.000-05:00

ah...i've been negligent. tis true, this blogging thing may have been a 2 year flash in the pan. and let me tell you, that's a long time to be standing in cookware with nothing but a trench coat.** but, i believe it's time for me to sink back in. how do i know it's time? well, see, i've got these thoughts i feel i should share with you. right now i'm certain that you are all gripping....well gripping something in eager anticipation for the bountiful truths that i will bestow upon you.

firstly, it occurred to me the other day that if you have a bizarre fetish, not your run of the mill foot fetish, or dom/sub fetish, or even pee fetishes, not the hirsutes or even pony play types, i'm talking throw up fetishes or caprophagia or dress up like a giant baby and be spanked with spatulas by a woman dressed like the wicked witch of the west while singing bay city rollers songs offkey with a twang of elvis, that if you find someone who shares this interest you pretty much have to marry them right on the spot, cuz the chances of you ever finding someone else is pretty slim.

that may have been the most perverse run-on sentence ever. so, i was having a rather long drawn out and painfully trying day and then i came home and found a check for me by my car insurance telling me that i get money back. woohoo!!! actually, it's been a trying week/month/year etc...etc... you know it's bad when mice are shitting in your crockery. let me tell you how much that pleased me. Not....At....All. they even went into the silverware drawer and chewed holes into the balls of the penis straws. and don't ask why there were penis straws, i blame Handjob Whiskey Jackson for that.

secondly, or thirdly, depending on how one counts these things, i have found a potential flaw in my theory that everything that any living thing does supports one of two purposes, that being survival of the individual and survival of the species. the problem is, gossip. what purpose does that serve? i've been giving it some thought and might have an answer. other than the one that says my theory is tripe. i'll wait to see if anyone out there has an answer.

the other day i was at the pharmacy purchasing some pharmaceuticals and decided i would look for some q-tips. i mean, doesn't that sound like something that would be in a pharmacy? nothing, nowhere, no cotton swabs or any of their ilk. thwarted by some marketing flaw.

ok, i smell my baked/fried chicken wafting so, ima go eat yo.

here watch this tampon ad.
or this big fish.
conan makes me laugh. alot
dawn of the dead game

* let's see what sort of traffic that brings.

** did people really ever skulk about in nothing but a trench to show off the goods? do people still do that? i mean, besides the guy with a shiv tucked in his colon.

Spring A. Wood & Dispatcher Hyman*

2006-11-10T18:04:00.000-05:00

2 unfortunate names i've come across at my job forming one unfortunate sentence, now the topic of one unfortunate post.

my name, as you may know is 'shin'. this caused me much distress in my younger years. imagine if you will the cruel machinations of the child's mind. imagine the unbelievable amount of nicknames and bad jokes i was subjected to. one guy actually believed himself clever by calling me 'leg' for about 2 years before i had to save us all by dicing him up and feeding him to some unsuspecting fools in the form of slim jims. **

i was once introduced to a girl who's first response was not "hi, nice to meet you" but chose instead this witicism "people must kick you in the shins alot." i decided that i couldn't be bothered to continue the relationship and ended it before it even began.

the curse of my name is that it sounds very similar to another four letter word. and i found myself responding to loud swearing. at parties when i introduced myself under a cloud of loud music, "you're name is shit?". so i took to introducing myself as "shin, with an 'n'."

noone ever believes my name when i tell it to them, the most common assumption is 'shane'. so during my highschool years i chose a new 'american' name to go by. it was usually randomly selected and various groups of friends new me by different names. my one friend chris knew me by all of them and shifted smoothly in and out depending on who we were hanging with. i finally settled on one name for a couple of years before switching back to my given name. that was after i learned my name meant "the rising sun" rather than "front part of the leg below the knee".

here's an example of how phone conversations might have gone. the first time i ever called my friend heidi:

"Hi is Heidi around?"
"No can I take a message?"
"Yeah, could you tell her Shin called?"
"Jim?"
"No, Shin"
"Tim?"
"No Shin"
"Chip?"
"Umm....just tell her Eric called."

on a similar note, i learned by an unfortunate accident, that if you say 'eric' quickly followed by 'shin' it displeases the gentle folk.

*his name wasn't dispatcher, that was his job title as he was an officer of the law.

** this didn't happen. who eats slim jims?

hahahahaha!!!!!

2006-11-08T21:18:00.000-05:00

i got this in my e-mail today curtesy of glomgold.

Naked man arrested for concealed weapon

Sat Nov 4, 12:41 AM ET

EL CERRITO, Calif. - A man was arrested on suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon after police found him outdoors - naked - and he told them he had a tool in his rectum, authorities said.

The man was lying on a tree stump, masturbating beside a nature path, near a Bay Area Rapid Transit station Thursday, police said. John Sheehan, 33, of Pittsburg, was initially arrested on suspicion of indecent exposure. But when asked whether he was carrying anything police should know about, Sheehan mentioned the tool, said El Cerrito Detective Cpl. Don Horgan.

"You can't get much more concealed than that," Horgan said.

Officers drew their weapons and firefighters were called to the scene. Sheehan removed a 6-inch metal awl wrapped in black electrical tape without incident. Sheehan, who was paroled from state prison last week, was then booked into jail on suspicion of parole violations, indecent exposure and one felony count of possessing a concealed weapon.

"When you're talking about an awl or an ice pick and you're dealing with somebody who's fresh out of prison, it's a weapon. That's a stabbing instrument," Horgan said.

It was not immediately clear what Sheehan was on parole for. A person answering the phone at the jail Friday night did not know whether Sheehan had a lawyer.

what the f@#k!?!?

2006-11-06T20:57:00.000-05:00

ok, so there i was minding my own business, just a readin' over here, and she decides to put a link that goes here and i can't resist the lure of finding out how many people are named 'shin'. there are 1500 of us. that's right, the shins. and more than, hold on....MORE THAN 99.9% of us are female. wait a minute while i get my abacus out.....that's MORE THAN 1498.5 of us are female. just under 1 1/2 of us are male.

of course, there are '0' people in the US with my brother's first name, so this site could be complete rubbish.

ghosts

2006-10-24T23:39:00.000-05:00

my house is haunted. sometimes i forget. then it reminds me. for some reason it shows up most often around the changing of seasons. it's happened several times now. i'm too lazy to look up the links for my previous posts so go hunting through the archives or just deal without them. it's happened now enough times that i know exactly what's going when it does occur.
i have a tendency to sleep on my side. my left side with my back against the wall protecting me from my neighbors. the first time i felt a presence in my room it was in the corner between my door and my tv, which as it turns out is where the guy who occupied the room before me felt it. but then i felt something hovering over me and experienced something that is akin to absolute terror, without the fear. my body becomes paralyzed and i feel the hairs begin to stand up. i feel as though i have been dragged out of deep sleep, no dreams happening here folks. i have lucid dreams so i know. when it first happened i didn't know what the fuck was going on. i hate that this feeling is familiar now. i come into conciousness but can't move and can't make a sound. my first thoughts always go to yelling out one of my roommates names. realizing i can't move or peep i think about whether my cell phone is within reach. usually it's not.
if i think about it i would say that, while it is not exactly pressure, i do feel as though something is connecting with me on my right shoulder and my side just above my hip. it usually takes a force of will for me to break this and finally get up. it takes less time for me to do it now and when i do wake up the first thing i do it turn on the light. the sensation of skin crawl is only on the left side of my body and only from my shoulder/neck to my waist and it lingers for a little bit.
i have noticed that if i start to sleep with the light on it will stop bothering me for a time. although just now i caught a whiff of something unpleasant and i'm beginning to freak out a little. in case you're wondering it's been about 10 minutes since i woke up and it is only now i'm beginning to get a little buggy. downstairs, it's happened a couple of times that while i'm playing the guitar a pleasant smell, something like flowers will waft by. that doesn't bother me. the bad smells do.

the thing i hate the most about when this happens is the fact that i will probably not be able to get to sleep again for some time.

2006-10-20T20:30:00.000-05:00

there is a portion of time somewhere in me, blocked off in chunks of pre-me, 'me' being the current and up to date version, that spent itself in constant motion. moment chained to moment with shackles made partially of vibrance and partially of adrenaline dipped in a rainbow well of emotion. sleep was for the weak and what little bit i dabbled in came in spurts and was usually never in the same place.
every night was an adventure, a quest, a party and i reveled. amidst this revelry there was a girl. she was an angel, or dressed like one anyway. so i took her with me. i brought her home once, though not my home. nor hers. and only once. in this time and place, faces melted from one to another and very few of us stayed the same, so hers was noticed only because it was near mine.
in a half a dozen cycles of the moon i learned i'd made a mistake. this, in a time when mistakes did not exist. and so i waited patiently for this mistake to go away. eventually it did, to baltimore in fact.
my life is now made of mistakes. or perhaps i just notice them now, which is probably more in line with truth or at least lying side by side with it. sleep is now a close friend and there is now a place named home.
she is a fading memory, for which i am glad. her image was the first to go. now her name. and since very few of my friends even met her it is as though she never existed. and so it begins, this mistake is now the first to be erased and of that....i'm not sure how i feel.

2006-10-15T12:36:00.000-05:00

early friday morning i was lost on elm st. that's right, Elm St....on Friday the 13th....with Halloween just around the corner....chased by the Army of Darkness.

btw does anyone know why blogger sometimes only uploads a fraction of a picture? see
well, they look ok there but if you enlarge any of them, WHAMMO!....only portions.

2006-10-09T19:44:00.000-05:00

hello hello! after last nights debacle with frying chicken i was worried that i might have to hang up my spatula and give up cooking altogether. but tonight i may have redeemed myself with the remaining better batter dipped bird of potential sustenance. mmmmMmmmm. that was some tasty chicken. super crispy skin with all sorts of herbs and spices.

too bad you can not have any.

ps why the fuck can i not use the apostrophe? every time i hit it a little "find text" window pops up at the bottom of my screen?

what sort of voodoo is this?

malarky

also...i'm reading The Man Who Japed

2006-09-24T12:29:00.000-05:00

have you ever had one of those awkward moments where you run into someone from your past. and then you realize you really didn't want to run into them. and then you realize that they realize that you never wanted to run into them? but it's too late because you've already entered into that "hey i recognize you" hug.

my life is like that.

2006-09-19T17:59:00.000-05:00

so...i'm not a culinary genius. let's get that right out in front. not a culinary genius. rooting through my fridge i noticed that i was pretty much out of food that didn't come in a cardboard box or can. so i decided to grab what leftovers were around and dropped them all in a pot and let it stew. so a little dab of cooking oil, some curry (yellow and red), bits of chicken, a potato, a good bit of onion, some coconut milk, string beans, a small rock of sugar, some bay leaves and a pinch of tumeric. yep, a masterpiece it was not. edible, not like my first turn at sweet and sour pork which had to be taken out back stomped on, cursed at, set afire and buried. i lost years of my life on that outing. this time it was just a little too sweet (next time a pebble of sugar) and should have been a bit spicier. also it was missing something, but i don't know what yet. if you figure it out, let me know.

here's a weird video (sorry kris) , star trek meets nin
and uh....this...

oh, and by the way, IT'S TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY!!! YAR!!!!

please....enjoy....

2006-09-11T18:11:00.000-05:00

i just had the most grueling conversation ever....wait let me make that bold and enlarge it to emphasize my point...EVER. it seems my purchase of the Indiana Jones boxed set entitled me to a free subscription to Entertainment Weekly. once upon a time, it was mediocre, and amidst this mediocrity i began making actual payments for this small modicum of pleasure and insight into the entertainment industry. sometime during the last year, they must have gone through some sort of staffing shifts or editors may have been shot, i dunno. this mediocresque pamphlet sunk into the category of trash. that's right, i can't even wipe my ass with it because of it's glossy coated paper. if i was interested in American Idol, Desperate Housewives or any sort of cheap celebrity gossip with an almost good facimile of snarkiness it might be worth my time to actually glance through it. but....i'm not. so it has now gotten to the point where i've actually grabbed the thing out of my mailbox and dropped it straight into the trash with all the junkmail.
with that in mind, i have finally decided to cancel this subscription (this is the point we all celebrate. yay!!!). through various teleprompts and recorded messages i weaved my way through to the glorious "we're sorry you canceled but you will be credited to your card if any payments have been made." ah...sweet freedom....the last vestige of american pop culture has been purged from my life.
now....that wasn't the grueling part. what i realized when she (the recorded voice you all know and love) told me i would be credited back to my card, but it could take 30-60 days. wait a minute, says i, that's all fine and dandy but the card it happens to be on is one i never use anymore. in fact, the only time those guys get a check from me is the yearly chunk of change that gets syphoned out of me by the "not even good for toilet paper" subscription. now, i would rather not pay them for something that's going to be credited back, but if they take their time crediting me then i might get stuck with a late fee and well that's money out of my pocket because i don't want to pay for trash i'm not getting. this would not do.

here's a break in the post so you can please enjoy some news and some chalk drawings.
and look, someone decided to deep fry coke. and in case you want to bust some demons (free delivery. deliverence, get it?). and finally a kid licking a pig. now back to our regularly scheduled rant.

since i already had the phone in my hand i made it send me to the magical land of teleprompts again so i could see about not being charged. oddly enough, within the first 30 seconds of my conversation with a live person i was looking for ways to get back to the teleprompt. he had a good thick accent, one that bludgeoned my ears with joy and the opposite of communication. as my ears bled with the underwhelming pleasure of this exchange i navigated my way through answers to questions i didn't ask and a stern reprimand/warning about making the payment on-time (regardless of the fact i have only just received my bill today) to the answer "yes, if you end up with a credit on your card you may call and request it to be refunded to you as a check." well alright then, that seems to be the long way of going about it but i understand, to enjoy ease in commerce, it must be difficult and confusing. all well and good. "expect a call from me next month", i said.
"but, wait, i would like to talk to you about one thing before you go..."
right here is where you can call me a jackass because i let him finish that sentence. this sentence lasted about 10 minutes. there was talk of "protection plans" and "free (this and that)". i think it was about there 36th time he said "please enjoy our free $15 rebate" that i finally decided it was time to get off the phone one way or another. i told him i wasn't interested but he "urged" me to take advantage and "enjoy our free $15 rebate". since that tactic didn't work i switched to try and catch him off guard. so when he asked me again i said "sure go ahead" to which he responded "please if you would just answer 'yes' or 'no'. you could enjoy our free $15 rebate". i tried again "yeah go ahead" and his response was " sir if you would just say 'yes' or 'no'. you could enjoy our free $15 rebate." at this point i was just plain confused and could feel the cancer growing in my head from having this phone next to it. "you know what, since i just said 'yes' twice and you just asked me that again, forget it. i'm not interested."
"i apologize sir, if i said anything wrong, but you could enjoy our free $15 rebate. if you sign up for our protection plan, at no cost to you for 30 days you could enjoy our free $15 rebate."
"look i'm not interested, have a good day."
"but sir, i apologize but you should enjoy our free $15 rebate."
"tell you what i'm going to do. i'm going to hang up now because i'm not interested. have a good day." cli<"please enjoy our.."> ck.

If only I'd had my camera

2006-09-09T12:50:00.000-05:00

yesterday, i saw things i'd never once considered before. on the way home from work i came across a car, of the SUV variety parked......on another SUV. or rather parked in the 2 ft of space between SUV number 2 and the median. also, instead of fuzzy dice hanging from the rearview mirror of a passing car i saw a stethoscope. how original, how fancy, how absurd.

"Unsightly!"

2006-09-07T17:38:00.000-05:00

this is what i say. brace yourself, click this >link< , play the clip. make sure your volume is on. what was that? bigwig? fiver?

thank you

i found this curtesy of the Dooce.

now give me money.

how happy am i?

2006-09-06T20:18:00.000-05:00

what a long and crappy day. that's right. long. and crappy.

but then wait...what's this? what did the Amazon fairy leave under my pillow? why it's The Tick vs Season One, and Arrested Development Season 3 and Cemetery Man. woohoo!!

2006-08-31T17:23:00.000-05:00

i've recently just finished reading The Lathe of Heaven (Ursula K Leguin) which was a nice reality bending bit of sci-fi, have not seen either movie version yet but plan on it soon. currently i'm working my way through The Name of the Rose (Umberto Eco). The movie is like an abridged version of the book. the director obviously took some liberties in getting the ideas across to a mass audience. still a good movie. also, currently am in the midst of Killing Time (Caleb Carr). i really liked The Alienist and enjoyed The Angel of Darkness. however, i think maybe he should stick to period mystery novels and leave the sci-fi to those better suited for it like William Gibson or Phillip K Dick. i do profess an nodding interest in his book Lessons in Terror. apparently written prior to the war in Iraq (ie. "war on terror". i'll come back to this.....maybe). have just started with The Andromeda Strain (Michael Crichton) and am looking forward to getting into Blue Beard (Kurt Vonnegut) and a book called The World's Religions (Huston Smith). also on the docket is 2001: A Space Odyssey (Arthur Clarke), although watching the movie aged me. there you go, 16 links in one paragraph. here's a funny gravestone. sucka! 17!

which brings us here, while so far it has been pretty mediocre sci-fi, Killing Time does bring up a topic that has been carousing through the creases of grey. with information so readily available and the ease with which to inform, how much is credible? the book goes on to explain that information does not equate knowledge. and though this idea is a played out confucion philosophy, it merits consideration by pointing out that having this information does not make you wise.
you govern your lives by what you know, through experience. for example, i know by putting on a pair of pants, there is the likely possibility they may explode. or if i own a car, assuredly it will be hit by a tree, totalled in a hit and run accident while i'm making spaghetti, cease to go in reverse, have the axle drop out, get rear-ended and ruin everyone's christmas, get rear-ended through a median into oncoming traffic by a woman from PA and her toothless teenage son or simply have a deer run out and steal my side mirror. these are things i know, because of first-hand experience. and experiences help us shape our lives. this is a basic skill that all life has. without it, existence is based upon a whim. as humans though, and i'm fairly certain we are not the only species that has this additional talent, we can experience through others. we can learn from someone else's mistakes and revelations. ie. if my friend can kick himself in the head, but in the process knocks his ass out, i know not to try kicking myself in the head. the flaw is that we then rely on this experience through others and adjust our lives accordingly. so by denying myself of kicking myself in the head i might be missing out. maybe there's someone kicking gold bricks out of their head. (really, you should give it a shot and let me know how it goes.)
time changes, times change, where once we learned from elders skills and trades, history and tradition, we now gather from institutions. and here we learn social interactions, authority and here we absorb the information, fed to us in bookfuls. so now we learn en masse the histories based on the information of some guy we don't know. what if his information is wrong? when i was a kid, in my history book it told me that the pilgrims came and gladhanded the native americans into peaceful harmony and so they gave us manhattan for a happy ending. it didn't say nothing about infected sheets, or swindling, or any other atrocities. not much about slavery in there either.

and can anyone tell me what's up with this? coolio? william hung? and what is up with that god awful tagline. sheesh.

now with the internet there is a vast expanse of information puked out into the ether. a good example of this is 'wikipedia'. it's an open source encyclopedia where anyone can input their own information. i'm sure they try to abide by accuracy and such but can they keep up on that? i've already heard of politicians going and adjusting some of the 'facts' on their opponents for some cheap smear campaigns. and while we're on the topic of politicians, another good example of snafu's caused by actions based on faulty information, "weapons of mass destruction".
so now we have access to this information highway, are we really better off? i mean, how do i know that the scallion pancakes i'm going to make are going to be as tasty as they should be? i don't know this guy who's recipes i'm lifting.

so....that about sums it up. i had a lot more to say, reams and reams of thoughts and ideas and brilliance of such magnitude that you would all end up bowing before my deity like abilities. but uh....i took so long to finish this post that i um....abridged myself. intentionally of course.....yeah. i gotta go make some scallion pancakes.

2006-08-26T13:53:00.000-05:00

i'm going out for coffee. anybody want some?

ADDITION: Jowlers!!!

helpful tip(s)

2006-08-22T16:32:00.000-05:00

a good way to tell when you need new underwear is if while your out walking about you find that while your pants may still be up, your drawers are somehow around your knees.

if after taking off your t-shirt you notice your vision is blurry, check to see if your glasses are in the pile of shirt.

leaving the freezer door ajar, causes things inside to become soft and squishy. so if you grab an ice pop expect to eat it very fast or drink it.

if you think it was a shart. it probably was. don't do it again.

2006-08-15T22:11:00.000-05:00

as you may have noticed, i've become deliquent in my blogging. i blame the liberal media. oh wait, i don't have any media exposure anymore. alas, no tv, internet privileges revoked at work via threats of firings, radio is out because i may accidentally hear some of this new emo-esque garbage the world might end if i hear dashboard confessional. or is that out now? i'm so 5 minutes ago i don't even know what's out there not to like! i hear nickleback is out there ripping themselves off some more though. here if you haven't heard this yet. (it still makes me laugh) hopefully the carbon copy nu-metal phase has moved on too.

so....one of the reasons i haven't kept up with this here blog is that my life is stagnating again. and i haven't the gumption to unstagnify it. there's only so much i can gripe about my work environment before even i feel the need to blast a handful of knuckles through my face. i haven't even had any more "my pants exploded" type stories. although, the "alleged" bigot that i've been paired with for my training did rattle off a few racially slanted opinions today.

have i mentioned that i seem to have known a lot of racist people in my life. i've been friends, and i use this term in the same way you might refer to a douglas fir as toilet paper, with several white powered skinheads in my time. i've lived with at least two racists, one black, one white. so does the fact i'm asian come close enough to white that i can be accepted into the fold? or have i really been living a truman show sort of life?

well that about wraps it up for today. now you've just spent a small portion of your day having accomplished nothing. thank you for your time.

some things i found

2006-08-13T03:06:00.000-05:00

why do i love break dancing?

and good guitarists too.

egads!!

2006-08-07T19:18:00.000-05:00

i haven't really had time/mental wherewithal to blog lately. you may have noticed this. then again, maybe you haven't. regardless, here i am because i had to share this with you. a few posts back, i put a link up that had something or other to do with witchcraft. now i never gave them my e-mail addr but each of their e-mails show up in my inbox addressed to 'monkey'. ie. "monkey, we're confused...." or "monkey, why are they so mad?" or most recently "i am looking for you monkey." (actual e-mail titles.) now, i know they are pretty much just spam. even though on their site, at the very bottom

Note: We will never spam, sell or rent your email address.
We hate spam as much as you do.

but i was curious why they would be looking for me. apparently there is a very secret club that i can join where i will enjoy wealth (of the tremendous variety), health, power and love. currently it is in a beta-testing mode so my fees have been waived. this is all a privilege i can enjoy for being one of their beloved members. this is their enticement:

In a nuthsell, each week you will be emailed a very
powerful -yet simple and fast - spell that will
radically change your life like it did for tens of
people around the world.

so....tens of people. well, let me get right on that.

2006-07-20T22:40:00.000-05:00

post hornet anigans

2006-07-06T18:58:00.000-05:00

nothing is worse than finding out that for the past week your bedroom window was open a crack and in that time a swarm of angry hornets moves in so that when you go to investigate a peculiar noise there you manage to piss them all off and they start swarming in your bedroom, which stinks because that's the room with the ac.

update:
me-40
hornets-2 (one very painful sting in the noggin. DAMN, THAT HURTS!!!)

update 2: tonight i discovered something. i'm allergic to hornet-stings.

2006-06-28T22:58:00.000-05:00

while i do have a vast array of peculiar stories in my arsenal, there comes a time when the last hidden surprise must be revealed. i've fired off many of them here on this blog. today i blasted one across the lunch table.
the air was of the solid sort and there was a hot pocket on my plate. it was agreed by everyone that i have "the weirdest things" happen to me. i'm always amazed by that. granted i've had a years worth of half hour intervals to share a few bits so they do have a shortened view of who i am. but i still took it as a challenge. some of you may remember a story i had started a long while ago. i never finished it here because in the midst of telling it, it started up again. but it was a tease and it thrilled me for a moment before dropping face first into absolutely nothing. some highlights of the story involved a rehab, some cops, a car chase, a stake out, some madness and a girl.
so there i was rambling out this story, because for some reason i don't seem to care what anyone knows about me. granted i gave them the abridged version and culled the cussing. polished up just a little but still with a few rough edges. when it was done....i was left with the distinct impression that i had just made many people uncomfortable. which made me uncomfortable. later i asked one of the girls that i had told this story to if maybe that wasn't the sort of thing one tells at work (specifically at that work place because this never occurred anywhere else i've worked. course i've never had to pull 'business casual' out of my ass before either). she told me "maybe not".
the truth of the matter is that while laws were broken, felonies were charged, hands were cuffed, i did nothing wrong. but i introduced them second hand to things like homeless people, dyfs, violence and a very distinct existence of life on the other side of legal. or rather i erased the line that divided it just a touch.

my point is, that one of the first times i was me, without boundaries, i managed to distance myself from the people i work with, to isolate myself just a bit more. and i noticed how superficial the "friendships" at work are.

these are just the murmurings of one who is once again unable to sleep. pay no heed.

2006-06-22T22:03:00.000-05:00

today, yes today...it made me wish i was smoking again. but due to this inexplicable want for some sort of anonymity i will forgo (forego? it doesn't look right. what the fuck is wrong with this word?) explanations, that and my boss seems like the kind of guy who would fire you for talking about the workplace. some of you may have noticed that i have cleverly avoided any details about where i work with the exception of the halfwits i work with and the cubicles. god the cubicles, how i dream of rending them in a hulkish fury. and since i'm a creature of habit i will stick with this formula.

today i heard someone mocking a (client? customer? poor sap who's money is being fleeced right out the pocket for items sold, services rendered, the pleasure of our company?) for using the word 'expediate' instead of 'expedite'. what a fool, 'expediate', laughs all around. apparently, we're all a lot smarter than those quarterwits we deal with.

links

holy crap, as of this posting he's been playing for 1 day 8 hrs 26 minutes
(warning, this resized my window....who knows what it will do to you.)
commercial (learn english, you need sound, and it might not be work safe)
ummmm.......(not work safe?)
this is cool....liquid armor
wow....
witchcraft

2006-06-14T18:25:00.000-05:00

so, what exactly is intelligence? is it academic? is it a 4.0 avg? is it 1600 SAT scores? what i remember of my highschool and college years was that to get a good grade you simply needed to parrot what the teacher had already said. in fact most of my papers were simply rewordings, paraphrasing of what the teacher had said early on. is that knowledge? if so then, isn't it subjective depending upon what one is exposed to? can you develop intelligence then simply by exposing someone to more? or is it inherent within the person already? say you took Tesla from birth and left him to be raised by wolves, would he no longer be intelligent?

maybe intelligence is analytical, the ability to take what is given and formulate new ideas, to draw connections between things. if that's the case couldn't wolf raised Tesla be just as smart, just as able to make connections to draw ideas? or maybe it isn't inherent and must be fostered. then could not anyone be able to be Tesla, given the right stimuli, the right exposure?

what of common sense, wisdom? if you're able to fart out math theorems that noone can understand but yourself, if you are able beat the world at chess in 5 moves (i've done this now, twice by accident and could not tell you what it was i did) but when you get on your bike and load all of your books and bricks into the right basket and none on the left so that every ten feet you have to pick yourself up off the pavement, are you intelligent still?

lately i've been wondering about intelligence. whether i am or not and how one is to gauge intelligence. i've been called intelligent all of my life, but i suspect it's a misnomer. true, i had algebra pounded into me while i was in first grade and pre-calc/trig slapped in my face by third grade, but i never got past my third grade math abilities. what does that say about me? sometimes i wonder that maybe people think i'm intelligent simply because i'm chinese. seriously, because of stereotypes.... but if that's wrong, then so is the small penis thing right? ahem.... i had a friend once tell me that he felt bad that i had to "dumb down" what i said to him for him to understand. i have never once conciously "dumbed down" anything i said to him. rephrased perhaps, but i think people do that all the time for communication purposes. with different people i use different language. for example, with my friends and roommates and girlfriends...etc...etc.. i speak english. sometimes i use slang, cuz that's how i roll, and other times i won't. if i'm with my parents i will break out the pidgeon chinese. i'm a derelict of dialect.

sometimes i find myself struggling to make someone understand what i am saying. in a given statement or situation i might develop assumptions, and while i think they are natural assumptions i could be wrong. based on these assumptions i will develop ideas and from these ideas i pull out questions. now sometimes, when i ask these questions i will get an answer that is so completely not right (ie. q:what's your favorite color? a: 3. ok, wait you're obviously not understanding what i'm getting at here.) that i will have to backtrack through all of my thoughts with the person and explain in detail each step just to come back to my question and still not get an answer. now, i'm not talking about brain surgery or rocket science or any other stereotypically "smart" thing. but still there is at least one or two pages between where i'm at and where they are at. there is obviously a gap in communication. the fault then, is it mine? it doesn't happen with everyone i speak to or have these types of conversations. then is it them? is one of us more intelligent than the other? does it mean anything at all other than causing me frustration?

i was going to try and fit as many polysyllabic words in that paragraph as possible when it occurred to me that i was really hungry.

so i will part with this, i once met a girl who happened to have a mutual friend with me. she asked me how i had met him and i responded that on the return trip from mars we began conversing to help pass the time and she responded in all seriousness, jaw dropping on floor, eyes bugging out, "you were on mars?!?"

her iq = brick

new pet peeve

2006-06-06T15:47:00.000-05:00

if you share conjoined driveways with your neighbors and you live on a busy highway, don't f#$%ing park your car at a 45 degree angle taking up 3/4 of the driveway entrance!!! i had to freakin' back my car into the highway during rushhour traffic to get the proper trajectory to enter my driveway without damaging either vehicle and that involved a small portion of lawn.

i like my neighbors, they are generally nice people, you know for someone who speaks in tongues and has a log cabin inside their house (yes inside. i have not been able to get in there to verify it but that's because i value my health.) sure they have a mountain of garbage piled in front of the rusted metal barn, but who doesn't these days. but sometimes the creative parking they do really pisses me off. we already let them park in our back yard so why do they keep leaving their cars smack in the middle of the driveway keeping anyone from coming in or going out? why?!?? WHY, BANJO,WHY!?!?!???!

2006-06-03T17:32:00.000-05:00

i was just at Wendy's eating a healthy meal of frescata club sandwich and baked potato when i looked out the window from my 2 feet of table space and saw someone get out of his truck and walk across the parking lot to throw his trash out. nothing odd there. perfectly natural and possibly even environmentally concious. but then when he got back to his truck he threw his cup out of the window into the parking lot.

why would he even bother pretending the first time?

2006-05-25T16:15:00.000-05:00

Last night I recieved a mass e-mail. Within was a "heartwarming" story told from the viewpoint of the mother of a soldier. The setting involved a check out line in either a grocery store or some equally mundane retail establishment. It regaled us, the mass, with a story of a woman in a burkha who accosted the cashier who was wearing a pin with an american flag. The cashier responded "I'm proud to be an American and will always wear this pin." To which the burkha wearing villain replied "Why won't you stop bombing my people." Here we come to the crucial part of the e-mail. The part foretold by the title as being "the best reponse". A man put his arm around the soldier/son and declared loudly that young men like this one were dying to fight for her freedom. That she was in our country to escape something from hers. That if she was so willing to speak out now they would be glad to ship her right back to Iraq right now. Cheering all around!! It concluded that "If you believe this pass this on to everyone on the face of this earth". Well, maybe not exactly. But you get the idea.
Now my first reaction was one of disdain. So was my next one. I think it settled on offended and I immediately dumped it into the trash. It's taken me a day of pondering to try to put into words what it was that bothered me. To be honest, I wasn't fully aware of the reason.
Firstly, it reeks of propoganda. There isn't a drop of substance, no base at all from which to grow. It's hollow gestures drawing on simple ideals. Like telling you terror is wrong so what isn't terror is right. Or dropping terms like 'democracy' or 'freedom' into everything you say to justify what you are doing.
Don't get me wrong, I support the troops. I admire them, their efforts and their sacrifices. I just don't support the decisions that put them there or the people who made them. In my limited group of friends those that decided to join the military are either the ones I would label with terms like 'noble' or 'honorable' or the ones that were lost and needed the discipline to help them straighten out. It is, however, not in my genetic make-up to be military. I could use discipline in my life, true. But I would have difficulty accepting chain of command, which is necessary for the function of this machine. Also, I think I may fall into concietious objector category....hmmmm then again...maybe not.
Another thing that bothered me is simply, I wonder, if they were living in a country and their family was destroyed would they be thankful when those that did the bombing told them it was for their benefit. My point is that this story is one sided. It portrays the beliefs of those on "our" side and discounts any possible extenuating circumstances from the other that may cause one to react in such a way. It simplifies and objectifies those that wear burkhas. By emphasizing this one aspect it presupposes that anyone wearing a burkha is an Iraqi and holds these views as well. It shows an indignant righteousness on our part and a sense of resentfulness. Over all it makes me uncomfortable because I recieved it, in a chain, meaning other people do believe this and have felt the need to pass it on. I suspect as a generalized mass e-mail, that it has been circulating for some time. Uncomfortable=me.
I think the first initial response was to the fact that this e-mail was telling what and how to think. Similar to the mindset during our current commander in chief's first term where if you questioned anything, you were unpatriotic. I've never done well with that. If I could I probably would be making much more money now.
In other news....i quit smoking again. (hehe again.....)

Happy Birthday

2006-05-21T12:01:00.000-05:00

2006-05-15T20:37:00.000-05:00

it's time to come to terms with the fact that i am clumsy as shit.....but really deft. first it was the dropping the soap in the shower and catching it while it was on route to the bottom of the tub. now i've managed to trip up the stairs with full glass of iced tea in one hand, a book in the other while chewing a piece of bread. and i managed it without spilling a drop.

i know you're all jealous of lack of inner balance and my adroit handling of said lack of balance. many of you wonder how to go about walking into walls and still looking cool and impressive. and i wish i could teach you (and then market it on all late night cable channels and earn a lot of money) but it's simply something you have to be born with.

so to all of you out there wishing to whatever lords of judgement you happen to wish at. don't fret, some day you will find your calling as well.

2006-05-13T03:35:00.000-05:00

today i saw a samurai sword flash in the headlights of passing traffic.

today i saw chest high grass become knee high grass.

today i saw how someone shoots righty while sitting and lefty while standing.

today i saw aliens on my tv.

ummmm.....yesterday....

2006-05-11T18:28:00.000-05:00

some thoughts i had today included:

What the heck? Why is everything on my screen blue?
I wonder who will cut the grass.
X-files rocks.
and finally,

i'm a hard worker, it's pretty much accepted by everyone i've worked for and worked with. i've earned my bonuses (which to date is the monetary equivalent of umm...say about $150, give or take a few tax dollars....yeah...i know) so, where was i....oh right, i work hard and i'm good (for the most part) at what i do. now, while i don't particularly like him i'm sure tom cruise also works hard and he's very good at what he does, which is essentially, well...act like tom cruise. (don't tell me you haven't noticed that he plays the same character in every movie) but i look at my $150 in bonuses and compare it to the $100,000,000 he made for acting in War of the Worlds and well....i see an imbalance here. i know his supporters will point out things like he bought coffee for the crew. what's that about .000002% out of his pocket. i could give a penny to everyone i work with. maybe they'll view me as generous and wonderful guy. "he even went to the effort of going to the bank to change those $3 to pennies."

sigh.........

2006-05-07T14:08:00.000-05:00

nothing to say.....

echo location....
her 21st
art in dust (that's insane!)
what?

2006-05-03T19:26:00.000-05:00

As I sit here and type this two EMS vans are backing into the conjoined driveway between my neighbors' house and mine. To be quite honest I don't know them very well and most of what I know is heresay. But this is the second time they've been by in a week. Apparently, this past weekend they made a stop. This weekend I also saw their cat lying on the side of the road. Half of it anyway. I suspect whatever gripe I may have* should sit quietly inside my gullet since I can hear them yanking one of those gurneys out of the back right now. If I was a better person I might go out and see if everything is ok. But then, I know it's not and there isn't anything I can do, so I would just be sticking my nose into their business.

*i don't mean a gripe about them. just any gripe in general.

so

2006-04-26T20:12:00.000-05:00

ever drop your soap in the shower and catch it again? i did. i'm very proud.

and here's some things you might like to see

buddhist sand art
midget kiss cover band
tree house
"it was romantic but..."
2-legged dog (this is tripped out)
lots of coincidences
don't hate me

also, for some time now i've been getting a increasing number of hits daily from people looking for odd pernography because of links i used to have up.
barbie, video game, furryesque. you know, whatever.

but to the guy looking for 11 yr olds. i don't know how you got here, but please feel free not to return.

addendum, so i just checked again and someone was looking for 6 yr olds so i deleted an entire months worth of blog posts in hopes that will be the end of it.

another day at the office

2006-04-22T19:00:00.000-05:00

As I sat down and prepared to begin the long process of absorbing nutrients out of my 99 cent pot-pie, freshly bombarded with microwaves, I began to glean understanding of the inner workings of the 'office' mentality. I've long said that I feel out of place where I work, that I don't identify with the people around me. That beyond small talk, I have little or nothing to say to most everyone there. I don't possess the 'ambition'/'kiss ass ability' to excel in this environment. But I digress.
As I dug my plastic utensil into the crust of my savory and delicious pot-pie one of my co-workers said to another, "What is that?" Pointing an inquistive yet mildly accusing finger at the mush lying in his tupper-ware.
"Hamburger Helper," he responded. In fact, if you were to ask him that question on any given day his answer would always be "Hamburger Helper".
"Beef stroganoff," he embellished a little more.
"You always have the weirdest lunches," she replied.

Ok, wait a minute. He has Hamburger Helper, every day, EVERY day, and yet, he has "the weirdest lunches." WHAT?
Now, sometimes I come in with some left-over Indian food, or maybe Thai food or even some homemade Chinese food. I can understand if someone were to say that to me, I don't agree, but I can understand. It's come to my understanding that beyond the "On the Border" style Mexican, take-out Chinese, and the rare Hibachi/Sushi, most of the people around me never stray from their daily flavours. They can't stomach the curry, or various other "exotic" spices. So, ok, maybe that is a bit beyond the grilled cheese, chef salad, hot dog and hamburger fare. But, come on! Hamburger Helper can by no stretch of the imagination be considered "out of the ordinary".

Just the other week, one of my co-workers asked me if I had any plans. My only real plans were to meet up with some friends in "the City" and have some ethiopian food. Noone had ever had ethiopian food. Most would not ever try it. But, in my short time there I have managed to obtain the guy with the "weird" life status. And this without knowledge of me beyond having a tree fall on my car, having had a crackhead roommate, and a few details about one of the girls I used to date. They don't know that I was once in a car chase, or that I once hid from police buried under a pile of leaves in the woods, or the candy cane incident. They don't know the weird things strangers have said to me, the close encounters with the supernatural or that some of my friends video tape each other having sex.

So there you have it, I don't watch American Idol and I don't bet on sports. I'm the office weirdo. Not the office pariah mind you, that would be my cube-mate. She who has loud boisterous reactions to things she says to herself.

i dreamed of bears

2006-04-05T13:40:00.000-05:00

last week, while i was locked inside an ugly office building, the weather teased and taunted me through the two windows in the place. within the building i was subjected to "crack" and mind numbing cubicle conversations. and the outside laughed at me and made me promises. so i took some time off, to enjoy the balminess. and what happens? it friggin' snowed again!!! i woke up to see the tree just outside my bedroom window powdered up and thumbing it's nose at me. what could i do? i closed my eyes and slept for another few hours. and for some reason i dreamed of bears.

2006-03-31T18:04:00.000-05:00

3 blog posts in one week?!? I know! What the fuck?!?

so i was over at glomgolds house of love (love of cops, magazine customer service and orange cleaner)

and was inspired to compile a list of things i've been pulled over for.

no full stop at a stopsign (backroads, 2:30am)
speeding (40 in a 35)
speeding (98 in 55, 2 more seconds i would have been off the highway, 2 seconds earlier he would have nailed me at 120 in a 55)
improper lane change (2 nights into my owning a license, didn't know cops didn't follow speed limits and tried to switch lanes into him)
failure to signal (at a fork in the road, i was going straight/right)
highbeams in on coming traffic (after midnight, backroads and i turned them off as soon as i saw headlights coming the other way)
left rear wheel cut over the corner of one of the double yellow lines while making a left
making a suspicious left turn (yep)

after that i stopped paying attention for two reasons
1) my friends and i were getting pulled over on average 14 times a week.
2) it was all one cop (except for the speeding on the highway)

oddly after i moved out of that town i've been pulled over 2 times in 12 yrs. once the guy pulled me over, sat in his car for 3 minutes, then left. no idea what that was about.

woes of the day

2006-03-29T18:39:00.000-05:00

an unfortunate discovery today. clearly the consumption of coffee, while having the desired of effect of shocking the system into a false sense of alertness, has certain drawbacks. we'll disregard the withdrawal headaches and crankiness for now and focus on a certain diuretic effect. the delicate pounding of the bladder. the incessant call of the porceline gods. all leading to adventures down the hall in the men's room.
now, i have no complaints about the sanitation abilities of our local custodians. in fact, i'm damned pleased by it. the tiles on the walls gleam with a reflective quality. were i the vain type i might admire my coif as i released my post liver filtered coffee.
i happen to be an observer. little things, like having lunch in the cafeteria with some co-workers and noticing that our IT tech just came in and grabbed an armful of coffee packets. everyone else saw him and probably caught that he had just pilfered the coffee stash, enough so that he was dropping packets as he went, but it didn't register until i asked them if i had seen what i saw. where am i leading you with this? well, if you'll but grace me with a few more moments i will tell you.
and see, here it is. while reflecting and releasing i happened to notice the small crack in the wall between the urinal and the stall wall. and through this crack i saw.....crack. it was an unpleasant crack. it was crack with back. and the worst thing was, i knew.....i knew what was in that crack.
please reread line 1.

2006-03-28T18:38:00.000-05:00

As the minutes crawl by they pause to laugh in my face before continuing into the slow pile they've created that will eventually be constructed into an hour that will in turn mock me before passing on. I've tried to distract myself with all manner of office games ranging from e-mailing other office inmates, sneaking games of sudoku, and writing about the slow progress of time.

Through the wall I hear the chattering of an angry call. No one else understands what they hear but it is my native tongue and my native ear wriggles and folds in to keep the words at bay.

Veins course sluggishly with caffiene that will eventually settle in the stomach lining that will slowly dissolve away into ulcer. Synthetic coagulated adrenaline brings an artificial sense of awake. In truth I won't be awake for hours. And they are slow to come.

I've been carefully questing through the internet and somewhere a server marks my passage. What I've discovered is that time is malleable. An experiment involving flashing LED's and dropping from vast heights allows you to see numbers the naked eye could not pick up in regular time.

What does all this mean? Nothing, only that time is currently an enemy of mine and I am ready for sleep.

2006-03-26T01:00:00.000-05:00

what?

blah

2006-03-12T13:54:00.000-05:00

so, firefox just crapped out on me. i've lost most of my passwords that were saved and all my bookmarks. but the thing that bugged me the most was that now when i come here the text bounces back and forth from bold to regular text and it was hurting my eyes. i never did figure out why it did that sometimes.

anyway, i'll soon have this up to snuff again.

i will never reach zen

2006-02-23T17:58:00.000-05:00

i wondered today if all walmarts are like the one over here. it is situated smack in the middle of redneck central jersey in the town that has yet to remove all the asbestos from the water supply and lives in denial of it. so please, tell me, can you play count the mullets at your local walmart? are most of the employees there either missing hair in odd places, growing hair in odd places, lacking in teeth/brains/civility? the trashiest people i know are always around the corner of the next aisle waiting to spring out and tell me about what scanty delights they are purchasing to not wear whilst vacationing in the next town over with their slightly less than cro-mag counterparts. (please differentiate between "know" and "associate with".)

after reading that i realized that i must be a callous judgemental prick. so be it. but if you knew the people that show up in my life......

hmmmm....

2006-02-14T20:13:00.000-05:00

apparently somebody told everyone that i like granny-porn, since my e-mail is constantly flooded with offers of "gum jobs".

also, somehow this site has become a beacon for those looking for "furry porn" and "video game porn". as i get about 20 hits a day from people looking for it.

so for those of you searching for "fantasy porn", i apologize for my lack of perversion. but watch this octopus walk on two legs.

something i learned

2006-02-08T19:59:00.000-05:00

peanut butter and toothpaste are incompatible.

"my god is white." - fem-mullet

2006-01-07T16:00:00.000-05:00

why yes that is a sideways bicycle. and yes that is an enormous mustache.

catholic confessional hotline. yep.

is the guy in the third video wearing a bike helmet?

chuck norris in the ultimate showdown

juggler game.....though it loses it's thrill after a while

that's right boys and girls Amish Porn.

and finally, a video of a shark tearing some guys leg to pieces.
___________________________________________
so, in case you're wondering about the title, some fembot mullet wearing, trailer park living old lady said that to me today.

and as for my last post. i think the answer is "when you decide to get a job at walmart."

"ask doctor stupid"

2006-01-05T22:30:00.000-05:00

i would like to pose a question. now this is directed at a select/limited audience that i may or may not have here, but even if this doesn't apply to you please feel free to give an answer. are you ready?

ok........ladies.......when in life do you decide "to hell with it, i'm not gonna shave this beard off anymore." ? no, it isn't some (not so) clever euphemism pertaining to the golden cloak that covers yer yams (i don't even know what that means). i'm talkin' 5 o'clock shadow, i'm talkin' don johnson circa miami vice, i'm talkin' chuck norris. when do you decide "fuck you vogue magazine, look at my splendid hirsute glory"?

lynx

2005-12-31T01:15:00.000-05:00

This is one of the funniest ideas I've seen in a while. If'n I could swim I would be all about this.

Aristocrats joke in card tricks (maybe this isn't work safe)

Newscaster stung by a bee in the nether regions

This is just not work safe. It's also kinda disturbing. I looked around at some of his other 'artwork' too. Weird guy.

Some prankster and a toll booth.

2005-12-27T16:21:00.000-05:00

whoa....can anyone explain to me what is happening in this video?

and is that james brown?

I'm Back!!! Sorta........

2005-12-23T16:13:00.000-05:00

ok, so now that i've shed this dsl yoke and achieved the enlightenment that comes from having cable internet i simply don't have time to leave you anything worthy of consumption.

so have a merry fuckin' christmas or something.

question...

2005-12-14T19:32:00.000-05:00

why do body fluids taste salty?
of course, i don't know if all body fluids are salty.

comes around.....goes around

2005-12-12T19:25:00.000-05:00

If I could have a moment I would like to direct your attention here.

Now, you're probably wondering why I would be directing you to something so dated and 2 months ago. And you're probably hoping I will answer that for you. Well, you're in luck, because I'm going to. The reason is this....are you ready?

Ok, the reason I bring it up is because one of these heathen bastards ran up and stole my side mirror today. Right off my car! As I was driving! What balls! What nerve! I was distracted by my driving (ie, looking ahead of me) when he snuck me from the side and took off with my mirror in leaps and bounds into the wood on the side of the road.

well...that's all i have to say today.

2005-12-11T02:06:00.000-05:00

i just found this picture....should be 50 bands in there. example, see that guy in front smashing pumpkins?

hmmm.....ok, go here for a larger image, didn't realize it would get resized that much.

2005-12-08T10:52:00.000-05:00

So I was surfing around looking for some Random Chuck Norris Facts.

As far as I can tell, this guy's got the most. For some reason, everyone else stops at 30.

update: here are some more at this guy's site.

2005-12-06T19:41:00.000-05:00

so i was at my chiropractor this evening for a final hurrah and it occurred to me that she was spending a lot of time massaging and adjusting my back through my buttocks. now i don't know if this is common practice. she's done it the last few times i've gone. was this typical? was she wrong to have spent time there? was i wrong to have enjoyed it? was i wrong to have asked for a happy ending?

Damnit! There's no heat in my house......AGAIN!!!

2005-12-01T21:09:00.000-05:00

This week it was once again brought sharply to my attention that I come from a different planet than those that share my cubicle filled world. As I gathered my pastas and meats and sauces into a paperish receptable in preparation for my daily feasting I made a quick decision to have lunch with some of my co-workers. It's not that I dislike those that share my lunch-time but sometimes I like to read instead spewing banalities back and forth. There's really only so much I can not say about weddings and bridal showers and dresses and such. You may have caught on to the skewed ratio of men to women....and while normally this would be considered a good thing (say if one was shallow and superficial.....), as far as I can tell there are only two attractive women there. This seems like it's an odd balance. I've always assumed that in any given group there would a certain percentage of people that are easy on the eyes and a certain percentage of people that make you taste last nights dinner again from a new perspective and most would fall into that grey area between the two. The scales, however, seem to tip toward the ugly. Either genetics has bent physical attractiveness to help curb the overpopulation problem or I simply have different tastes.
Now that I've dragged you along this tangent let me bring you back to the point at hand. I do not live in the same world as these people. First, is the fact I could care less about what is going on with Britney and her (husband? boyfriend?) I really can't be bothered to waste any of my time trying to figure out why it is that way. This was a difference that I had noticed right off the bat when I first started this job. But....the other day the group of people I was with began going on about how they love cops, firemen.... typical beefcake calender fare. I didn't know this was real. I thought it was just an idea used in tv sitcoms. Most of the people I know scowl at the idea of cops. Almost none of them would ever consider going to one for help. Everyone there was surprised that I knew what the back of a cop car looked like. One lady even told me that in her 30 years of life she was pulled over for the first time last month! Imagine!! I figure I've been pulled over somewhere between 80 to 100 times so far in my life. 75% of those times I was frisked!
And I'll bet not a single one of them has ever muttered the phrase "There's no heat in my house.....AGAIN!"

2005-11-24T15:05:00.000-05:00

gobble

Message to Harry Manback

2005-11-16T20:37:00.000-05:00

Karma is a shiny piece of candy behind a glass case and I'm a perpetual kid.

Earlier I had frothed myself into good round of cursing over the amount of douche bags that I see on a daily basis. In fact it had worked itself into a nice little post. Let's give an example shall we? Say it was dark out and it was pouring rain....I know I know random speculation but bare with me for a moment.... now imagine one of these aforementioned asshats is on the road with you. Yeah, that's right, I'm talking about you (jersey plate PJN-37A)! The one riding my ass and flashing your high beams because the handicapped driver in front of me wasn't going fast enough for you! That's right dick bag, the one that jumped over the double yellow lines into oncoming traffic to get around us. Ahem, well, I was wishing ill of him...see...but later I realized my life has been shitty enough that I didn't need to exacerbate things and bring some karmic return on my ass. So I don't really wish ill of him but I suppose that I could tell you that the thought had crossed my mind that I would laugh heartily over him when he folded his car around a tree and turned himself into a parapalegic but his arms were free for him to jerk off his shrivelled dead dick but the only thing that would accomplish would be to yank out his catheter. But I don't really wish that. Not really. Also, I'm glad you, Mr PNJ-37A, learned how to work your horn, because I'm positive that helped make the light change faster. Positive!

sigh.....this is also the same reason I didn't slip a pack of steak-ums between the mattress and box spring of the crackhead before I moved out. (those plus one suit and a jug of pee were his only possessions.) stupid karma

ps.... if anyone happens to accidentally slip into my archives i would like to apologize for the awful colored text. blame it on hallucinagenics or the encouragement of a pretty lady.

The luck of the Irish*

2005-11-14T18:47:00.000-05:00

*has nothing to do with me. though i do get some red hairs in my goatee.

The benefit of being allergic to alcohol is that for most of your twenties you will be the most popular guy because you can drive everyone home from the bars. Who doesn't love that? Whenever you meet someone at a bar you have an automatic topic of conversation. "Are you serious? You're allergic to alcohol? I'd kill myself if I was allergic!" Thanks buddy, what are you saying here? If you're asian you get an additional bonus. "Where are you from? No...Originally. You know I've heard alot of asians are allergic to alcohol. Lactose intolerant too." You don't say, that would explain the awful stench in my drawers.

But I've come to terms with this already. Until today, apparently being allergic to alcohol offers another benefit of not being able to get flu shots. Who knew?

Not me certainly.

Let's talk about some more Asian cinema. Have you seen Old Boy? Perhaps you should. I would think so. In fact, I'm demanding it! Now! If the movie map were spread across asia, you would see smudges of Chinese and Japanese samurai and kung-fu pics kicking ass across the board. Lately a slew of horror has been ravaging our western culture. Mmmmm tasty. To the left we've got Bollywood, and really, there is only so much one can take of that. But who's ever heard of Phillipine films? Not me. Burmese? Nope. Cambodian cinema? Heck, I can't even name any more asian countries. But wait, on the horizon, what the fuck is up with all these cool Korean flicks?!

Old Boy stars Min-Sik Choi as Dae-su Oh. This guy is good.

If you watch asian cinema you might recognize him from Shiri or more recently Crying Fist.

The movie opens with his drunk ass in a police station being belligerent and if you like that kind of thing the dvd has a lot of extra footage of that. The basic plot of the movie is that he is abducted and held prisoner for 15 years without any knowledge of who or why he is held captive. He suddenly finds himself released back into the world hungry for a little taste of vengeance.

This is a pretty choppy summary but I'm trying to avoid spoilers. There is a pretty sick fight scene half-way through, no wire-work, no CG, just some good old fashioned bludgeoning. Don't mistake this for a simple action/fight movie though. The range of emotion I wretched out in response to this movie was intense. I must heartily thank Ruksak for the recommendation, and so must you. (unless you have no interest in seeing this, then you could tell him to 'fuck off' if you like. Just leave me out of it.)

In closing, I wonder if raw octopus is a delicacy out there.

newly added to the post....
porn-fu!!

dribbling drivel

2005-11-10T21:23:00.000-05:00

With the increasing frequency of his DSL connection's disfunction, he was unable to focus his energies into the task at hand. It was an important task, one that needed attention. Much was riding on it. But without access to the internet nothing could be done. It was as though the gods had begun in earnest to thwart him.

The weight of his daily routine weighed upon him in such a way that it had a supernatural quality to it. He became subdued, reticent. His life laquered with complacency. If only access to this ethereal world was made readily available things would be different. It's reach was beyond that of any one god and everyone knew that the gods would not work together. Crom!

Ah...the gibberish bleeding from these lips. See these discordant words and hear them flower darkly in your mind. I am wretched you see. Bilking time, lifting moments from your pocket.

And now I will give you a haphazard movie review.
First on the docket, a little thing called Born to Fight. This gem was farted out by the guys who did Ong Bak. If you have no interest in a story but love seeing people doing ridiculous stunts this is made just for you. The story is a slipshod piece of junk patched together and glued with cliche so thick I could taste it. But then I saw the guy drive a motorcycle full speed into a wall and launch himself through a burning building to land on the far slope of a hill, SOLD! The stunts in this movie flittered between 'so fantastic that I could feel my bones break in sympathy' and 'awe inspiring cheese'. I won't give any spoilers for anyone who will be watching this straight through. my recommendation is to simply keep you thumb poised above the FF and REW buttons on your remote.

2005-11-04T18:11:00.000-05:00

WHAT!?? I've got nothing to say.

Deerly Beloved

2005-10-27T19:52:00.000-05:00

If one were collecting deer carcasses for, say, shocking art, or a late night snack, or maybe to start a line of luggage made from their hide and call it Carrion Luggage, one need only travel down the road I take to work everyday. As the weeks have scrolled by I began noticing them in the backdrop. At first it was an ugly smear across the road ending in a pile of unidentifiable rubbish. What other creature has the capability to turn life instantly into trash? How bold, how exciting! And so I drove, day in and day out over the blood soaked highway carefully teaching myself to avert my mind. Then it was me swerving into the other lane to avoid contributing to this macabre play called "My Drive to Work". In my mind I pictured a horde of turkey vultures swarming around the dead deer, rending in their own beaky fashion for the tasty flavours provided when asphalt mixes with meat. I saw the world swatting these vultures one at a time with a Chevy Suburban or Ford F-350 or one of the numerous Hummers that have become indigenous to this locale. A smorgasbord of roadkill! That was when I began to notice, melting into the green blur of grass and brush on the roadside, a patch of dusky brown with a giant orange 'X' painted on it. These patches with X's began sprouting up daily along the roadside.

I'm assuming that dump trucks come in the night to pick up the left overs and maybe the bright orange 'X's are to make them easier to spot. And this is probably all helping to curb the burgeoning deer population which is probably threatening the ecology with their breeding and eating and getting hit by cars. Although the human population is about 43X that of the deer population in this state and land developers are tearing it up to build carbon copy housing, noone is culling.........all I'm sayin' is, I know where you can get some deer carcasses and I'll sell you one for a buck.

ps. I'm not a hippy.

Can I interest you in some foreplay?

2005-10-26T18:09:00.000-05:00

The other night I was busy not being able to sleep and it occurred to me that this phrase is only appropriate in limited context. Which is, quite frankly, unfortunate. In my unslumbered mind this brought to me memories. And so now I present a question prefixed by a story.

Prepare yourself.

Some time ago a friend of mine, who harbored bisexual tendencies and fantasized of women's feet, and spent her remaining time racing cars, happened into a public restroom. Her natural tendency was to go for the roomier handicapped stall located at the end so she could sprawl in all her public restroom ways. As she passed the inferior stalls she happened to glance over them. Now I'm sure that she hadn't expected to see anyone as all the doors were opened, but there she was. The higher end of a century, sitting there wrinkling with a pile of clothes pooled about her feet. Odd as this was, she then, upon seeing my friend/her saviour, bleated out a weak and strained "help." Now my friend was no angel, but compassion used this moment of off-balance to sucker punch her and she responded "Are you ok?". The answer stunned her out of a well planned out public restroom usage. "It won't come out," explained the elderly woman, "help me, it won't come out."

Here's the afore mentioned question. What is the appropriate response? My friend decided that the best thing to do at this point was to leave. I might have handed over a stick or cup of coffee.
Thoughts....anyone.....anyone....?

2005-10-25T22:40:00.000-05:00

wanna see a water balloon popped in space?

all zombie all the time

2005-10-20T19:35:00.000-05:00

westside story zombies
sealab zombie game (so good!)
shoot zombies
awesome zombie cakes
zombie trucker blog
"scientists create zombie dogs"
Federal Vampire and Zombie Agency
2005 Zombie Walk
zombie pinups
zombie survival guide
shoot more zombies
Rob Zombie
plus Mrs Zombie
and of course the new improved Zombie Pie Fight

2005-10-17T23:11:00.000-05:00

the post below was actually twice as long but the bottom half was doing this weird thing where if you ran the mouse over the text it would shift in size and become bold. it was giving me epileptic fits.
i have to sit down and fix the code in this thing. too many weird glitches.

and so because of my lack of initiative and some poor coding you have all been robbed of some of the most brilliant writing known to all of mankind. in fact, this writing that you missed, well, it cures cancer. it would have given us world peace, it would have put an end to tyranny and greed. the noblest of us would have used it to guide us into an everlasting nirvana, a utopia.

so uh, yeah....ummm....sorry....

"A lesson learned in life......"

2005-10-17T22:57:00.000-05:00

During my drive to work I've discovered a few things that you might be able to learn from. One, if you have to live on a highway, try to arrange it so that when you're pulling out to go to work you can go to the right as going left means you have to kill someone before there is a break in traffic big enough for you to launch into. Next, in the case of a merge, let's say in a situation where two lanes become one, perhaps you thought that you were limited to driving in the one lane that everyone else is in. This is not true, you can if you want jump out of the line and speed down the road in the other lane and skip 20-30 cars and cut back in further on ahead. Or perhaps you're not the gung-ho type of aggressive driver perhaps you're of the passive aggressive persuasion. In this case you can eliminate the concept of two-lanes and drive right down the center to block would be agressors. Now if you were me, you might rig your vehicle up in Spy Hunter fashion and snap a bazooka near your sun roof and clear traffic in a fiery explosion.

"if you get one that is dead, let me know too."

2005-10-12T22:22:00.000-05:00

hello! so here i am again. where have i been? well, i've been working on my plans of world domination by infiltrating the gene pool!! yes indeedy.

ok, i have no real explanation. i've been struck by fits of extroversion intermingled with moments of seclusion and hermitage. neither is really conducive to blogging really. also not conducive to blogging is THE FACT MY FUCKING DSL CONNECTION DROPS WHENEVER IT JOLLY WELL FEELS LIKE LEAVING ME GASPING LIKE A VIRTUAL SILICONE FISH OUT OF FUCKING WATER, WHICH BY THE WAY IS ENTERING MY HOUSE IN BUCKETFULS VIA LEAKS IN THE FUCKING ROOF!!!

in different news, someone from deep in my past has resurfaced and i've enjoyed spending some time with her. it's brought back strange fits of nostalgia. i also had a close brush with possible contact with the girl from my story. (the one you may or may not have been following from a few weeks back.)

it seems the story will most likely not be finished, so i'll just jump right in and explain a few things. yes i was arrested, yes felony charges were thrown at me, yes i scuffled with the law, yes they made me one with the carpet in my parents house, yes my house was staked out and yes there was a car chase. (did i mention all of this?) the reason for all of this was that i helped her. and i happened to bring her across statelines and she happened to be a minor while i had left minor status a couple years back. anyway, for now i'm just going to say that the way things ended left me with feelings of guilt that have stuck with me for these past ten years or so. in that time i have tried finding her. a private eye friend of mine did some digging a few years back and the results were that as of 1996, she has not been married, has not died, has not filed taxes, does not have any bills in her name...etc...etc. the thing is that she has no idea that i had gone through all of the things in the second sentence of this paragraph for her. anyway, a phone number showed up and for a moment i let myself hope. but keeping in line with the story of my life it turned out to be someone with the same name and not....well....anyway.....

i'll leave you with a few links for now.

btw, it seems that glomgold has slapped me across the face with a meme. the result of which is the title of this post.

_{1. Go into your archive
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same.}
i would also like to say that i'm sorry for not having visited all your sites during my absence and promise that i will be by when time permits. right...linkses
_____________________________________________
rabbit humping game
dolphins sing batman theme
truck crashes
westside story zombie
skorts
8-bit
sheep tranquilizing game
what is this guy doing with his face?
look what's in this guys trunk
weird puzzle
sex trivia
instant karma
nice headlights
odd shoes

"if you get one that is dead, let me know too."

BIDE

2005-10-05T17:56:00.000-05:00

tension

2005-09-14T21:05:00.000-05:00

put aside the fact i'm approximately a decade older than necessary. now consider this, tonight i was carded for alcohol i wasn't buying and am unable to drink. so of course this was the one time i left my wallet in the car that was clear across the parking lot. then after i trekked to and back from said car he decided that, no, he didn't really need my id after all.

my day has been crap, from front to back, the only good moment was going to see The Constant Gardener. a terribly fine flick. ralph fiennes is very good. i've liked everything i've seen of his. though Spider was long enough that i won't have to see it again, still, it was good.

by the way, for no apparent reason AIM just popped up.

Part 11

2005-09-12T23:34:00.000-05:00

The house was a refuge for the wayward. People were accepted with little to no questions. For example, Gus moved in one day, grabbed a spot on the floor next to the furnace and laid down his sleeping bag. He was a liar, we all knew it. But what we didn't know was who knew him, how he found his way here. He threw in money when he could for bills and rent. Nothing was ever set.

None of us cared that he worked in the meat department of the A&P, but he lied to us about it. He had elaborate stories about working at NBC. Which impressed exactly noone. The head of NBC was always giving him steaks.

One day, he vanished. The cops showed up not too soon afterwards. Apparently he had gone home with one of the 'rich debutantes' who came by every so often and made off with $10,000 worth of jewelry.

For another example: It had been years since I had heard her voice and at 7:00am I'm not at my best. I wouldn't call her voice melodic but it was soothing and when I heard it, years crawled back and slithered off into dark creases.

"Hi Shin, I locked my keys in my house and I need my school books, could you give me a lift to my parents shop."

"Sure," I replied without thinking. She was my best friend, there was never a question that I would help her. As I collected myself I let the tiny pieces fall in place. My mind began slowly wrapping itself around the inconsistencies of what just occurred and what my reality had been. But I pushed them back into the dark creases where time was hiding.

I saw her standing on the side of the road and clambered over myself to hold her. It had been years since I had seen her, heard her voice, felt her touch. The first thing she said to me was, "We have to get out of here! The cops are gonna be looking for me!"

The sudden shift in emotional gears probably took years off my life, but it was automatic. My mind sifted though every possibility to buy some time so I could find out what was going on.

The first thing anyone was going to do was to contact me. I knew this. The cops had been frisking me twice a day for the past 4 yrs. If they didn't know where to look for me in town they were idiots. So where could I go? Where could I go that would be safe? Where could I go at 7:00am? Several blinks later we were on our way to the house. Sam never knew about this house or what it meant. I didn't know that in the next 48 hours I would be in a car chase, have my house staked out and inevitably end in cuffs.

i added some more

2005-09-10T11:04:00.000-05:00

News
regenerating mouse
smart killer whales
BY ACCIDENT
punched his way out of a shark attack

NOT safe for work
how to suck on your own junk
ummm....someone made this
painting on naked people

Games
i suck at this Spagetti Monster game
but the Beer Shooter i can do
i also suck at the Unicycle game
haven't really tried this Mystery game yet

Others
"Protecting ignorant christians from homosexual predators"
a recording of a russian exorcism
what's with the fake boobs?
Yum
5 year old mom

***NEW***

heh ....karate....
for those of you who missed it, fierce breakdancing.
who will win? Conan or the bear?
Weezer game
Shark vs Octopus video
if anyone finds an end to this let me know. (34 solved, 2 mistakes)

Part 10

2005-09-04T23:11:00.000-05:00

i was having some difficulty with the spelling of the word "vacuuming" so i decided to use the spell check.
when it got to the word "voidlike" it suggested i replace it with "poodle's". now you know
Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, Part Seven, Part Eight, Part Nine, and ummm Part Nine.

______________________________________________

A smile would have cost too much and none could be spared. The ugly barrage of words pounded arhythmically, dissonantly against the protective wall, chipping it, leaving scars. Tears burned, looking for air and trailed down cheeks, salt in wounds. I watched as forgiveness was strongarmed into a waiting van, realizing at that moment that even the lies were lies. As the chaos of the last 72 hours began dropping out of my mind I realized an emptiness had taken residence somewhere inside me and it would be there for a long while. Eventually, it would at times become a peculiar salve that would heal jagged wounds in haphazard stitches. Other times it would grow and gape, voidlike, and I would see it deep in my eyes if the lighting in the mirror were angled just right.

The day began with the police vacuuming the carpet in my parents living room with my face. The silent stares of 6 eyes bearing down on me. In nothing but a pair of sweats and handcuffs I was carried out to a police car, bare feet dipped in dew.

A good portion of the day had me fastened to a wall. Hours were spent catching insults and threats or being dissected by questions whose answers I may or may not have known. Charges were reeled off in a litany, and I almost laughed at 'assaulting an officer' but I didn't because I was terrified of the other charges. The word "felonies" caused my muscles and my brain to tighten, the word "kidnapping" clenched my teeth, the words "aiding" "abetting" "deliquency of a minor" each lashed me and I winced in spite, of me.

In the course of the day, a voice spilled lies into my ear through the phone. I had no way of knowing this at the time, but in retrospect it seems almost obvious to me. He said he was a lawyer. What scum lies about being scum?

My father came to my aid this day. Or he tried, there was no aid to offer. It was an odd feeling that I couldn't quite settle with. Add this to the pot of frustration that had been brewing all day and I was in a thick, panicky stew. Thing is, I had no idea how I would feel the next day, not an inkling. And so it was a with sweaty palmed desperation that I picked up the phone and made the call.
_______________________________________________
i just realized that it's been exactly a year since the Hall of the Monkey King came into existence.
is there some sort of cyber-celebration i should be doing?

molars on parade

2005-09-03T12:03:00.000-05:00

dentists...me hates them. they give me lots of pain and tell me it's good. i have a fairly decent threshold for pain but i like to let everyone around me know that i'm in it. yeah, annoying i know. but these dentist fellows have me gripping the sides of the chair arching my recently chiropractic adjusted back in pain. i managed to stay still and refrain from screaming out and socking the guy though.

in different news. i plan on making some bbq sauce and grilling me some ribs this weekend. never done it before so wish me luck. or come over and eat some, whichever.

disturbed

2005-09-02T20:24:00.000-05:00

no....not the cheesey metal band

(these are probably not work safe, but then again....)
sex with dolphins?
this is messed up
videos of neurological disorders
and some toys

ok, here are some games
typing game
sort of super break out-ish
i keep dying

oh and check out this house

2005-09-01T18:18:00.000-05:00

All I have to say right now is that Sal is a lowly piece of shit.
Please take that to heart.

Part 9.2

2005-08-30T22:08:00.000-05:00

i just watched collateral with tom cruise and jamie foxx. jamie foxx has surprised me as an actor. he was pretty good in this and in ray. as for tom cruise, well he's better at being tom cruise than ben affleck is at being ben affleck.

i'll link the previous parts later.
_______________________________________________
I had become friends with Dina during the outer fringes of the last house. It wasn't until later that I found out she was a dancer. She was a pretty blonde girl with a bit of what some call sass. Once, in a drunken haze she had vowed "I'm going to have him." This was made about Neighbor Bob the night she met him. And true to her word, the two of them have been married for several years now.
It was never really in question. From the moment the two of them got together it was almost impossible to think of them as separate entities regardless of the fact he was ten years her senior.
The wedding was down in New Orleans during the Jazz Fest. Reasons were twofold. Firstly, they wanted to give their friends an excuse to go down and experience one of their favorite events in one of their favorite places. Secondly, this was where their first official date was at. New Orleans was amazing. What can I say? I got drunk there for the first time in over a decade. Of course, being allergic with no tolerance caused me to leave sober, pass through buzzed into drunk and land on the curb in one block.
This turned out to be one of my first dates with my dream girl. So memories of this week and a half are stamped on my brain in a frustratingly pleasant manner. The music was great, street musicians mingled with mimes and kids tap dancing with bottle caps on their shoes. The weather was hot but I barely noticed.
We spent the days playing tourist, voodoo witch-doctors blessed beans for a dollar, Anne Rice has a big metal dog on a balcony of her house in the garden district. Tours of cemeteries and ghosts and voodoo. The food was amazing and I sampled as much as I could avoiding anything that had been near alcohol or involving crustacious bottom feeders.
And the music, I got to see Ray Charles, Santana, Willie Nelson, The Funky Meters and a slew of other lesser known musicians. It is one of the best memories (read: pleasant) I have in my repertoire. Sometimes it's a curse and sometimes it keeps me warm. Make of that what you wish.

2005-08-26T20:03:00.000-05:00

quite possibly i've just eaten too much.

click on this...then turn up the volume....you won't regret it.
nice one!
take a look at the url.

games
you're a mouse and you get cheese.....and you have a hat
this game rocks!
Hai Daniel San.

Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow

2005-08-22T15:13:00.000-05:00

Years ago I lived in a dank dark basement that had artificial turf that did a poor job of pretending to be a carpet. And while I have a lot of good memories associated with said basement, there are two that really I could do without. One was that my iguana (the most hateful creature on this and any other plane of existence) died. His name was Gureau and we named a song after him on our cd. His dying isn't the bad part of the memory. The bad part had to do with a dinner date I had with a beatiful girl, or lack thereof. Since he died we thought maybe we should bury him in the backyard. Which we did, the services were very nice, we said a few kind words and expected him to claw his way to the surface, through the earth and stone, defying death itself to take one last bite out of my flesh transferring his undead lizard ways into my bloodstream......oh, sorry.
So there I was cleaning out his tank and the bastard somehow managed to put me into the hospital. So instead of delicious chinese food with a beautiful lady, I ended up sucking on a tank of oxygen with a room full of sick people. And then my health insurance f@$ked me and wouldn't pay for it because of some odd clerical error on the part of the hospital. This dragged on for months with me calling either the hospital or the insurance company just about everyday until a collection agency showed up and told me I was going to burn in credit hell.
Why is this relevant right now? Why when I haven't even had them for health coverage in 5 months is this on my mind? Well lets, see, turns out I just got me a $192 bill for services rendered (FROM LAST YEAR) that they won't be paying for me. See, how nice.

The other poor memory is this; One dark and stormy night, the basement began filling with water. I decided I would move some of my electronic equipment upstairs to ride out the tempest. The room and I had an altercation and it struck me in the back with the floor. I was literally laid up for about a week as I was unable to turn my head left or right without the legion of demonic minions coming to dance on my shoulders with sledgehammers. True I recieved some nice pain killing drugs but they were just not strong enough to make it comfortable to exist.
The relevence of this to today? Why is this memory tormenting me now? Well, since that day, every-so-often my back will decide to relive this pain for a few days. As if my muscles recorded this pleasant sensation to play back to me so I can relish my days of no back pain. Only now....I haven't any nice little pills to help me forget about it. >sigh<

bored

2005-08-20T12:14:00.000-05:00

i'm bored. so i'm getting in my car and driving west until i find a pool hall. hopefully when i get there all the inhabitants will have a combined total of more teeth than me.

Part 9.1

2005-08-17T17:50:00.000-05:00

Parts:
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
Seven
Eight
____________________________________________

The crowd of people that flooded the house continued to grow so it was good when it moved out of the apartment into a house in another town. Like nomads, vagabonds, we followed it. The place was pivotal in our lives. In a time where only drug dealers had beepers, if you needed to find someone this was the place to go. There were enough people coming and going that whoever you were looking for, someone knew where they could be found. Anytime you wanted to know where a party was regardless of where in the county, this was where to go. If there was a show going on somewhere people here would know about it. If there was a trek down to the shore in the winter, if there was a gambling binge down in Atlantic City this was where it would begin.

At this point in time we even had strangers from other states stopping by that noone knew. I remember an old man who drove cross country in a jeep/truck stopping by. It looked as if he had taken it on safari down in Africa. In fact, I may have seen it in a documentary on tv. He was done driving and would be walking now so he wanted to sell the vehicle. I have no idea how he found us.

There was a whole new cast of characters here. As well as the ones I may have mentioned earlier. Some of the new introductions included Dina who was a 'dancer', Neighbor Bob, his roommate Aussie Dave, Dirty Shawn and a few others I'll be bringing around as the story falls.

The constant flow of people probably attracted some attention from the neighbors, but to be honest I never met or saw most of them. Perhaps we intimidated them. Neighbor Bob however was of a more curious mindset. In full swing of a raucous house warming party (which lasted for months) Bob came by and introduced himself.

Bob may genuinely be one of the friendliest people I know. My life was definately enriched with the addition of him to my list of close friends. He owned some really nice guitars and I was one of two people he would even let touch his Guild. I drool sometimes when I think of it. It was a hollow body.....but then, you might not be interested so I'll move on. His home quickly became the mellow hang out. If the noisesome gamblings and flagrant activities of Norms began to wear on you, you might walk down the street Bob's and relax. I respected Norm for him being who he was. I respected Bob as someone I would like to become. Not that I would like his identity or anything like that, but.....he's good people.

Part 8

2005-08-11T23:58:00.000-05:00

Is it that it's enclosed that screaming in a car seems more venomous? We tossed thoughts, stinging, back and forth, frustration sawing through the material into the intangible. Inexperience leant a hand and the result was that my car ended up smack in the center of the train tracks, tires flattened. And no amount of anger was going to move it.
The fight ended and I sent her home. She was drunk again and I was tired of fighting anyway. It wasn't our first fight and wouldn't be our last. It did however solidify my stance on the situation. Slowly she began the walk home, regret weighing on her, but not enough to keep her from getting drunk again, or fighting.
But the problem at hand was, how was I going to get my car off the tracks. Lingering remnants of the fight took little bites out of me as I fished out some change to make a phone call.
My first call was to my friend Jay. I had totalled his mom's car once and miraculously escaped unscathed. He laughed the whole way over to the Esplanade.
We tried several different tactics but failed miserably. Well, miserably on my part as Jay was still laughing. The two dimes in my pocket afforded me one more phone call so I had to make it count. If I called my parents, most likely I wouldn't get any help. Also I would be yelled at and I'd had more than my daily requirement for the day. I juggled the names of everyone I knew and settled on my friend Lisa.
She was always willing to help me out of bad spots. For which I'm grateful for. Again the fates shined upon me and not only did she come down and help. Her mother let her use their AAA coverage to get a tow off the tracks. The story was that I was teaching Lisa how to drive a stick shift and she launched it on the tracks. If only fate would grace me with another smile now, my life would taste just a little less bitter
While waiting for the tow and my diminutive savior I talked with Jay about the fight I'd just had. Sam and I had been friends now for a couple of years. We were extremely close but I had pretty much had it with fighting. She had developed a bad problem with alcohol.
My views on alcohol are a little off kilter, I'll admit, since I had discovered I was allergic to it. I spent a couple years experimenting heavily and finally decided to quit when I was 15 years old. Everyone knew this and took any concerns I had about Sam with an unecessary grain of salt.
The truth was, she had a problem. Every other night she called me and told me she had blacked out and couldn't remember anything. She told me of finding herself spread eagle in the back of a pickup truck she didn't recognize in a place she'd never been. Everyone else took the attitude that she was young, she should party. Noone knew that all of her grandparents had alcoholism in their veins.
Maybe I was overly concerned because I took it personally since that's when she would fight with me. Regardless, I made the decision that day that I would no longer provide her with alcohol. I told her that if she wanted to spend time with me not to bother if she was drinking. And she did it. Whenever we spent time together she would not drink and didn't think about it at all. So perhaps I was overreacting. As it turns out, I wasn't.