Hall of the Monkey King

i wondered today if all walmarts are like the one over here. it is situated smack in the middle of redneck central jersey in the town that has yet to remove all the asbestos from the water supply and lives in denial of it. so please, tell me, can you play count the mullets at your local walmart? are most of the employees there either missing hair in odd places, growing hair in odd places, lacking in teeth/brains/civility? the trashiest people i know are always around the corner of the next aisle waiting to spring out and tell me about what scanty delights they are purchasing to not wear whilst vacationing in the next town over with their slightly less than cro-mag counterparts. (please differentiate between "know" and "associate with".) after reading that i realized that i must be a callous judgemental prick. so be it. but if you knew the people that show up in my life......

apparently somebody told everyone that i like granny-porn, since my e-mail is constantly flooded with offers of "gum jobs". also, somehow this site has become a beacon for those looking for "furry porn" and "video game porn". as i get about 20 hits a day from people looking for it. so for those of you searching for "fantasy porn", i apologize for my lack of perversion. but watch this octopus walk on two legs.

peanut butter and toothpaste are incompatible.

why yes that is a sideways bicycle . and yes that is an enormous mustache. catholic confessional hotline. yep. is the guy in the third video wearing a bike helmet? chuck norris in the ultimate showdown juggler game .....though it loses it's thrill after a while that's right boys and girls Amish Porn. and finally, a video of a shark tearing some guys leg to pieces. ___________________________________________ so, in case you're wondering about the title, some fembot mullet wearing, trailer park living old lady said that to me today. and as for my last post. i think the answer is "when you decide to get a job at walmart."

i would like to pose a question. now this is directed at a select/limited audience that i may or may not have here, but even if this doesn't apply to you please feel free to give an answer. are you ready? ok........ladies.......when in life do you decide "to hell with it, i'm not gonna shave this beard off anymore." ? no, it isn't some (not so) clever euphemism pertaining to the golden cloak that covers yer yams (i don't even know what that means). i'm talkin' 5 o'clock shadow, i'm talkin' don johnson circa miami vice, i'm talkin' chuck norris. when do you decide "fuck you vogue magazine, look at my splendid hirsute glory"?

This is one of the funniest ideas I've seen in a while. If'n I could swim I would be all about this. Aristocrats joke in card tricks (maybe this isn't work safe) Newscaster stung by a bee in the nether regions This is just not work safe. It's also kinda disturbing. I looked around at some of his other 'artwork' too. Weird guy. Some prankster and a toll booth .

whoa....can anyone explain to me what is happening in this video ? and is that james brown?

ok, so now that i've shed this dsl yoke and achieved the enlightenment that comes from having cable internet i simply don't have time to leave you anything worthy of consumption. so have a merry fuckin' christmas or something.

why do body fluids taste salty? of course, i don't know if all body fluids are salty.

If I could have a moment I would like to direct your attention here . Now, you're probably wondering why I would be directing you to something so dated and 2 months ago. And you're probably hoping I will answer that for you. Well, you're in luck, because I'm going to. The reason is this....are you ready? Ok, the reason I bring it up is because one of these heathen bastards ran up and stole my side mirror today. Right off my car! As I was driving! What balls! What nerve! I was distracted by my driving (ie, looking ahead of me) when he snuck me from the side and took off with my mirror in leaps and bounds into the wood on the side of the road. well...that's all i have to say today.

i just found this picture....should be 50 bands in there. example, see that guy in front smashing pumpkins? hmmm.....ok, go here for a larger image, didn't realize it would get resized that much.

So I was surfing around looking for some Random Chuck Norris Facts. As far as I can tell, this guy 's got the most. For some reason, everyone else stops at 30. update: here are some more at this guy 's site.

so i was at my chiropractor this evening for a final hurrah and it occurred to me that she was spending a lot of time massaging and adjusting my back through my buttocks. now i don't know if this is common practice. she's done it the last few times i've gone. was this typical? was she wrong to have spent time there? was i wrong to have enjoyed it? was i wrong to have asked for a happy ending?

This week it was once again brought sharply to my attention that I come from a different planet than those that share my cubicle filled world. As I gathered my pastas and meats and sauces into a paperish receptable in preparation for my daily feasting I made a quick decision to have lunch with some of my co-workers. It's not that I dislike those that share my lunch-time but sometimes I like to read instead spewing banalities back and forth. There's really only so much I can not say about weddings and bridal showers and dresses and such. You may have caught on to the skewed ratio of men to women....and while normally this would be considered a good thing (say if one was shallow and superficial.....), as far as I can tell there are only two attractive women there. This seems like it's an odd balance. I've always assumed that in any given group there would a certain percentage of people that are easy on the eyes and a certain percentage of people that make you taste l...

gobble

Karma is a shiny piece of candy behind a glass case and I'm a perpetual kid. Earlier I had frothed myself into good round of cursing over the amount of douche bags that I see on a daily basis. In fact it had worked itself into a nice little post. Let's give an example shall we? Say it was dark out and it was pouring rain....I know I know random speculation but bare with me for a moment.... now imagine one of these aforementioned asshats is on the road with you. Yeah, that's right, I'm talking about you (jersey plate PJN-37A)! The one riding my ass and flashing your high beams because the handicapped driver in front of me wasn't going fast enough for you! That's right dick bag, the one that jumped over the double yellow lines into oncoming traffic to get around us. Ahem, well, I was wishing ill of him...see...but later I realized my life has been shitty enough that I didn't need to exacerbate things and bring some karmic return on my ass. So I don't ...

* has nothing to do with me. though i do get some red hairs in my goatee . The benefit of being allergic to alcohol is that for most of your twenties you will be the most popular guy because you can drive everyone home from the bars. Who doesn't love that? Whenever you meet someone at a bar you have an automatic topic of conversation. "Are you serious? You're allergic to alcohol? I'd kill myself if I was allergic!" Thanks buddy, what are you saying here? If you're asian you get an additional bonus. " Where are you from? No...Originally . You know I've heard alot of asians are allergic to alcohol. Lactose intolerant too." You don't say, that would explain the awful stench in my drawers. But I've come to terms with this already. Until today, apparently being allergic to alcohol offers another benefit of not being able to get flu shots. Who knew? Not me certainly. Let's talk about some more Asian cinema. Have you seen Old Boy ?...

With the increasing frequency of his DSL connection's disfunction, he was unable to focus his energies into the task at hand. It was an important task, one that needed attention. Much was riding on it. But without access to the internet nothing could be done. It was as though the gods had begun in earnest to thwart him. The weight of his daily routine weighed upon him in such a way that it had a supernatural quality to it. He became subdued, reticent. His life laquered with complacency. If only access to this ethereal world was made readily available things would be different. It's reach was beyond that of any one god and everyone knew that the gods would not work together. Crom! Ah...the gibberish bleeding from these lips. See these discordant words and hear them flower darkly in your mind. I am wretched you see. Bilking time, lifting moments from your pocket. And now I will give you a haphazard movie review. First on the docket, a little thing ca...

WHAT!?? I've got nothing to say.

If one were collecting deer carcasses for, say, shocking art, or a late night snack, or maybe to start a line of luggage made from their hide and call it Carrion Luggage, one need only travel down the road I take to work everyday. As the weeks have scrolled by I began noticing them in the backdrop. At first it was an ugly smear across the road ending in a pile of unidentifiable rubbish. What other creature has the capability to turn life instantly into trash? How bold, how exciting! And so I drove, day in and day out over the blood soaked highway carefully teaching myself to avert my mind. Then it was me swerving into the other lane to avoid contributing to this macabre play called "My Drive to Work". In my mind I pictured a horde of turkey vultures swarming around the dead deer, rending in their own beaky fashion for the tasty flavours provided when asphalt mixes with meat. I saw the world swatting these vultures one at a time with a Chevy Suburban or Ford F-350 or one of th...