Hall of the Monkey King

If one were collecting deer carcasses for, say, shocking art, or a late night snack, or maybe to start a line of luggage made from their hide and call it Carrion Luggage, one need only travel down the road I take to work everyday. As the weeks have scrolled by I began noticing them in the backdrop. At first it was an ugly smear across the road ending in a pile of unidentifiable rubbish. What other creature has the capability to turn life instantly into trash? How bold, how exciting! And so I drove, day in and day out over the blood soaked highway carefully teaching myself to avert my mind. Then it was me swerving into the other lane to avoid contributing to this macabre play called "My Drive to Work". In my mind I pictured a horde of turkey vultures swarming around the dead deer, rending in their own beaky fashion for the tasty flavours provided when asphalt mixes with meat. I saw the world swatting these vultures one at a time with a Chevy Suburban or Ford F-350 or one of th...

The other night I was busy not being able to sleep and it occurred to me that this phrase is only appropriate in limited context. Which is, quite frankly, unfortunate. In my unslumbered mind this brought to me memories. And so now I present a question prefixed by a story. Prepare yourself. Some time ago a friend of mine, who harbored bisexual tendencies and fantasized of women's feet, and spent her remaining time racing cars, happened into a public restroom. Her natural tendency was to go for the roomier handicapped stall located at the end so she could sprawl in all her public restroom ways. As she passed the inferior stalls she happened to glance over them. Now I'm sure that she hadn't expected to see anyone as all the doors were opened, but there she was. The higher end of a century, sitting there wrinkling with a pile of clothes pooled about her feet. Odd as this was, she then, upon seeing my friend/her saviour, bleated out a weak and strained "help." Now my f...

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the post below was actually twice as long but the bottom half was doing this weird thing where if you ran the mouse over the text it would shift in size and become bold . it was giving me epileptic fits. i have to sit down and fix the code in this thing. too many weird glitches. and so because of my lack of initiative and some poor coding you have all been robbed of some of the most brilliant writing known to all of mankind. in fact, this writing that you missed, well, it cures cancer. it would have given us world peace, it would have put an end to tyranny and greed. the noblest of us would have used it to guide us into an everlasting nirvana, a utopia. so uh, yeah....ummm....sorry....

During my drive to work I've discovered a few things that you might be able to learn from. One, if you have to live on a highway, try to arrange it so that when you're pulling out to go to work you can go to the right as going left means you have to kill someone before there is a break in traffic big enough for you to launch into. Next, in the case of a merge, let's say in a situation where two lanes become one, perhaps you thought that you were limited to driving in the one lane that everyone else is in. This is not true, you can if you want jump out of the line and speed down the road in the other lane and skip 20-30 cars and cut back in further on ahead. Or perhaps you're not the gung-ho type of aggressive driver perhaps you're of the passive aggressive persuasion. In this case you can eliminate the concept of two-lanes and drive right down the center to block would be agressors. Now if you were me, you might rig your vehicle up in Spy Hunter fashion and snap a b...

hello! so here i am again. where have i been? well, i've been working on my plans of world domination by infiltrating the gene pool!! yes indeedy. ok, i have no real explanation. i've been struck by fits of extroversion intermingled with moments of seclusion and hermitage. neither is really conducive to blogging really. also not conducive to blogging is THE FACT MY FUCKING DSL CONNECTION DROPS WHENEVER IT JOLLY WELL FEELS LIKE LEAVING ME GASPING LIKE A VIRTUAL SILICONE FISH OUT OF FUCKING WATER, WHICH BY THE WAY IS ENTERING MY HOUSE IN BUCKETFULS VIA LEAKS IN THE FUCKING ROOF!!! in different news, someone from deep in my past has resurfaced and i've enjoyed spending some time with her. it's brought back strange fits of nostalgia. i also had a close brush with possible contact with the girl from my story. (the one you may or may not have been following from a few weeks back.) it seems the story will most likely not be finished, so i'll just jump right in and explain ...