Hall of the Monkey King

post hornet anigans

nothing is worse than finding out that for the past week your bedroom window was open a crack and in that time a swarm of angry hornets moves in so that when you go to investigate a peculiar noise there you manage to piss them all off and they start swarming in your bedroom, which stinks because that's the room with the ac. update: me-40 hornets-2 (one very painful sting in the noggin. DAMN, THAT HURTS!!!) update 2: tonight i discovered something. i'm allergic to hornet-stings.

while i do have a vast array of peculiar stories in my arsenal, there comes a time when the last hidden surprise must be revealed. i've fired off many of them here on this blog. today i blasted one across the lunch table. the air was of the solid sort and there was a hot pocket on my plate. it was agreed by everyone that i have "the weirdest things" happen to me. i'm always amazed by that. granted i've had a years worth of half hour intervals to share a few bits so they do have a shortened view of who i am. but i still took it as a challenge. some of you may remember a story i had started a long while ago. i never finished it here because in the midst of telling it, it started up again. but it was a tease and it thrilled me for a moment before dropping face first into absolutely nothing. some highlights of the story involved a rehab, some cops, a car chase, a stake out, some madness and a girl. so there i was rambling out this story, because for some reason i d...

today, yes today...it made me wish i was smoking again. but due to this inexplicable want for some sort of anonymity i will forgo (forego? it doesn't look right. what the fuck is wrong with this word?) explanations, that and my boss seems like the kind of guy who would fire you for talking about the workplace. some of you may have noticed that i have cleverly avoided any details about where i work with the exception of the halfwits i work with and the cubicles. god the cubicles, how i dream of rending them in a hulkish fury. and since i'm a creature of habit i will stick with this formula. today i heard someone mocking a (client? customer? poor sap who's money is being fleeced right out the pocket for items sold, services rendered, the pleasure of our company?) for using the word ' expediate ' instead of ' expedite '. what a fool, 'expediate', laughs all around. apparently, we're all a lot smarter than those quarterwits we deal with. links hol...

so, what exactly is intelligence? is it academic? is it a 4.0 avg? is it 1600 SAT scores? what i remember of my highschool and college years was that to get a good grade you simply needed to parrot what the teacher had already said. in fact most of my papers were simply rewordings, paraphrasing of what the teacher had said early on. is that knowledge? if so then, isn't it subjective depending upon what one is exposed to? can you develop intelligence then simply by exposing someone to more? or is it inherent within the person already? say you took Tesla from birth and left him to be raised by wolves, would he no longer be intelligent? maybe intelligence is analytical, the ability to take what is given and formulate new ideas, to draw connections between things. if that's the case couldn't wolf raised Tesla be just as smart, just as able to make connections to draw ideas? or maybe it isn't inherent and must be fostered. then could not anyone be able to be Tesla , give...

if you share conjoined driveways with your neighbors and you live on a busy highway, don't f#$%ing park your car at a 45 degree angle taking up 3/4 of the driveway entrance!!! i had to freakin' back my car into the highway during rushhour traffic to get the proper trajectory to enter my driveway without damaging either vehicle and that involved a small portion of lawn. i like my neighbors, they are generally nice people, you know for someone who speaks in tongues and has a log cabin inside their house (yes inside. i have not been able to get in there to verify it but that's because i value my health.) sure they have a mountain of garbage piled in front of the rusted metal barn, but who doesn't these days. but sometimes the creative parking they do really pisses me off. we already let them park in our back yard so why do they keep leaving their cars smack in the middle of the driveway keeping anyone from coming in or going out? why?!?? WHY, BANJO,WHY!?!?!???!

i was just at Wendy's eating a healthy meal of frescata club sandwich and baked potato when i looked out the window from my 2 feet of table space and saw someone get out of his truck and walk across the parking lot to throw his trash out. nothing odd there. perfectly natural and possibly even environmentally concious. but then when he got back to his truck he threw his cup out of the window into the parking lot. why would he even bother pretending the first time?

Last night I recieved a mass e-mail. Within was a "heartwarming" story told from the viewpoint of the mother of a soldier. The setting involved a check out line in either a grocery store or some equally mundane retail establishment. It regaled us, the mass, with a story of a woman in a burkha who accosted the cashier who was wearing a pin with an american flag. The cashier responded "I'm proud to be an American and will always wear this pin." To which the burkha wearing villain replied "Why won't you stop bombing my people." Here we come to the crucial part of the e-mail. The part foretold by the title as being "the best reponse". A man put his arm around the soldier/son and declared loudly that young men like this one were dying to fight for her freedom. That she was in our country to escape something from hers. That if she was so willing to speak out now they would be glad to ship her right back to Iraq right now. Cheering all around!! ...

it's time to come to terms with the fact that i am clumsy as shit.....but really deft. first it was the dropping the soap in the shower and catching it while it was on route to the bottom of the tub. now i've managed to trip up the stairs with full glass of iced tea in one hand, a book in the other while chewing a piece of bread. and i managed it without spilling a drop. i know you're all jealous of lack of inner balance and my adroit handling of said lack of balance. many of you wonder how to go about walking into walls and still looking cool and impressive. and i wish i could teach you (and then market it on all late night cable channels and earn a lot of money) but it's simply something you have to be born with. so to all of you out there wishing to whatever lords of judgement you happen to wish at. don't fret, some day you will find your calling as well.

today i saw a samurai sword flash in the headlights of passing traffic. today i saw chest high grass become knee high grass. today i saw how someone shoots righty while sitting and lefty while standing. today i saw aliens on my tv. ummmm.....yesterday....

some thoughts i had today included: What the heck? Why is everything on my screen blue? I wonder who will cut the grass. X-files rocks. and finally, i'm a hard worker, it's pretty much accepted by everyone i've worked for and worked with. i've earned my bonuses (which to date is the monetary equivalent of umm...say about $150, give or take a few tax dollars....yeah...i know) so, where was i....oh right, i work hard and i'm good (for the most part) at what i do. now, while i don't particularly like him i'm sure tom cruise also works hard and he's very good at what he does, which is essentially, well...act like tom cruise. (don't tell me you haven't noticed that he plays the same character in every movie) but i look at my $150 in bonuses and compare it to the $100,000,000 he made for acting in War of the Worlds and well....i see an imbalance here. i know his supporters will point out things like he bought coffee for the crew. what's that abou...

nothing to say..... echo location.... her 21st art in dust (that's insane!) what?

As I sit here and type this two EMS vans are backing into the conjoined driveway between my neighbors' house and mine. To be quite honest I don't know them very well and most of what I know is heresay. But this is the second time they've been by in a week. Apparently, this past weekend they made a stop. This weekend I also saw their cat lying on the side of the road. Half of it anyway. I suspect whatever gripe I may have* should sit quietly inside my gullet since I can hear them yanking one of those gurneys out of the back right now. If I was a better person I might go out and see if everything is ok. But then, I know it's not and there isn't anything I can do, so I would just be sticking my nose into their business. *i don't mean a gripe about them. just any gripe in general.

ever drop your soap in the shower and catch it again? i did. i'm very proud. and here's some things you might like to see buddhist sand art midget kiss cover band tree house "it was romantic but..." 2-legged dog (this is tripped out) lots of coincidences don't hate me also, for some time now i've been getting a increasing number of hits daily from people looking for odd pernography because of links i used to have up. barbie, video game, furryesque. you know, whatever. but to the guy looking for 11 yr olds. i don't know how you got here, but please feel free not to return. addendum, so i just checked again and someone was looking for 6 yr olds so i deleted an entire months worth of blog posts in hopes that will be the end of it.

As I sat down and prepared to begin the long process of absorbing nutrients out of my 99 cent pot-pie, freshly bombarded with microwaves, I began to glean understanding of the inner workings of the 'office' mentality. I've long said that I feel out of place where I work, that I don't identify with the people around me. That beyond small talk, I have little or nothing to say to most everyone there. I don't possess the 'ambition'/'kiss ass ability' to excel in this environment. But I digress. As I dug my plastic utensil into the crust of my savory and delicious pot-pie one of my co-workers said to another, "What is that?" Pointing an inquistive yet mildly accusing finger at the mush lying in his tupper-ware. "Hamburger Helper," he responded. In fact, if you were to ask him that question on any given day his answer would always be "Hamburger Helper". "Beef stroganoff," he embellished a little more. "You alw...

last week, while i was locked inside an ugly office building, the weather teased and taunted me through the two windows in the place. within the building i was subjected to "crack" and mind numbing cubicle conversations. and the outside laughed at me and made me promises. so i took some time off, to enjoy the balminess. and what happens? it friggin' snowed again!!! i woke up to see the tree just outside my bedroom window powdered up and thumbing it's nose at me. what could i do? i closed my eyes and slept for another few hours. and for some reason i dreamed of bears.

3 blog posts in one week?!? I know! What the fuck?!? so i was over at glomgolds house of love (love of cops, magazine customer service and orange cleaner) and was inspired to compile a list of things i've been pulled over for. no full stop at a stopsign (backroads, 2:30am) speeding (40 in a 35) speeding (98 in 55, 2 more seconds i would have been off the highway, 2 seconds earlier he would have nailed me at 120 in a 55) improper lane change (2 nights into my owning a license, didn't know cops didn't follow speed limits and tried to switch lanes into him) failure to signal (at a fork in the road, i was going straight/right) highbeams in on coming traffic (after midnight, backroads and i turned them off as soon as i saw headlights coming the other way) left rear wheel cut over the corner of one of the double yellow lines while making a left making a suspicious left turn (yep) after that i stopped paying attention for two reasons 1) my friends and i were getting pulled...

an unfortunate discovery today. clearly the consumption of coffee, while having the desired of effect of shocking the system into a false sense of alertness, has certain drawbacks. we'll disregard the withdrawal headaches and crankiness for now and focus on a certain diuretic effect. the delicate pounding of the bladder. the incessant call of the porceline gods. all leading to adventures down the hall in the men's room. now, i have no complaints about the sanitation abilities of our local custodians. in fact, i'm damned pleased by it. the tiles on the walls gleam with a reflective quality. were i the vain type i might admire my coif as i released my post liver filtered coffee. i happen to be an observer. little things, like having lunch in the cafeteria with some co-workers and noticing that our IT tech just came in and grabbed an armful of coffee packets. everyone else saw him and probably caught that he had just pilfered the coffee stash, enough so that he was droppin...

As the minutes crawl by they pause to laugh in my face before continuing into the slow pile they've created that will eventually be constructed into an hour that will in turn mock me before passing on. I've tried to distract myself with all manner of office games ranging from e-mailing other office inmates, sneaking games of sudoku, and writing about the slow progress of time. Through the wall I hear the chattering of an angry call. No one else understands what they hear but it is my native tongue and my native ear wriggles and folds in to keep the words at bay. Veins course sluggishly with caffiene that will eventually settle in the stomach lining that will slowly dissolve away into ulcer. Synthetic coagulated adrenaline brings an artificial sense of awake. In truth I won't be awake for hours. And they are slow to come. I've been carefully questing through the internet and somewhere a server marks my passage. What I've discovered...