Hall of the Monkey King

ah...i've been negligent. tis true, this blogging thing may have been a 2 year flash in the pan. and let me tell you, that's a long time to be standing in cookware with nothing but a trench coat.** but, i believe it's time for me to sink back in. how do i know it's time? well, see, i've got these thoughts i feel i should share with you. right now i'm certain that you are all gripping....well gripping something in eager anticipation for the bountiful truths that i will bestow upon you. firstly, it occurred to me the other day that if you have a bizarre fetish, not your run of the mill foot fetish, or dom/sub fetish, or even pee fetishes, not the hirsutes or even pony play types, i'm talking throw up fetishes or caprophagia or dress up like a giant baby and be spanked with spatulas by a woman dressed like the wicked witch of the west while singing bay city rollers songs offkey with a twang of elvis, that if you find someone who shares this interest you ...

2 unfortunate names i've come across at my job forming one unfortunate sentence, now the topic of one unfortunate post. my name, as you may know is 'shin'. this caused me much distress in my younger years. imagine if you will the cruel machinations of the child's mind. imagine the unbelievable amount of nicknames and bad jokes i was subjected to. one guy actually believed himself clever by calling me 'leg' for about 2 years before i had to save us all by dicing him up and feeding him to some unsuspecting fools in the form of slim jims. ** i was once introduced to a girl who's first response was not "hi, nice to meet you" but chose instead this witicism "people must kick you in the shins alot." i decided that i couldn't be bothered to continue the relationship and ended it before it even began. the curse of my name is that it sounds very similar to another four letter word. and i found myself responding to loud swearing. at parti...

i got this in my e-mail today curtesy of glomgold . Naked man arrested for concealed weapon Sat Nov 4, 12:41 AM ET EL CERRITO, Calif. - A man was arrested on suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon after police found him outdoors - naked - and he told them he had a tool in his rectum, authorities said. The man was lying on a tree stump, masturbating beside a nature path, near a Bay Area Rapid Transit station Thursday, police said. John Sheehan, 33, of Pittsburg, was initially arrested on suspicion of indecent exposure. But when asked whether he was carrying anything police should know about, Sheehan mentioned the tool, said El Cerrito Detective Cpl. Don Horgan. "You can't get much more concealed than that," Horgan said. Officers drew their weapons and firefighters were called to the scene. Sheehan removed a 6-inch metal awl wrapped in black electrical tape without incident. Sheehan, who was paroled from state prison last week, was then booked into jail on suspicion of pa...

ok, so there i was minding my own business, just a readin' over here , and she decides to put a link that goes here and i can't resist the lure of finding out how many people are named 'shin'. there are 1500 of us. that's right, the shins. and more than, hold on.... MORE THAN 99.9% of us are female. wait a minute while i get my abacus out.....that's MORE THAN 1498.5 of us are female. just under 1 1/2 of us are male. of course, there are '0' people in the US with my brother's first name, so this site could be complete rubbish.

my house is haunted. sometimes i forget. then it reminds me. for some reason it shows up most often around the changing of seasons. it's happened several times now. i'm too lazy to look up the links for my previous posts so go hunting through the archives or just deal without them. it's happened now enough times that i know exactly what's going when it does occur. i have a tendency to sleep on my side. my left side with my back against the wall protecting me from my neighbors. the first time i felt a presence in my room it was in the corner between my door and my tv, which as it turns out is where the guy who occupied the room before me felt it. but then i felt something hovering over me and experienced something that is akin to absolute terror, without the fear. my body becomes paralyzed and i feel the hairs begin to stand up. i feel as though i have been dragged out of deep sleep, no dreams happening here folks. i have lucid dreams so i know. when it first happened ...

there is a portion of time somewhere in me, blocked off in chunks of pre-me, 'me' being the current and up to date version, that spent itself in constant motion. moment chained to moment with shackles made partially of vibrance and partially of adrenaline dipped in a rainbow well of emotion. sleep was for the weak and what little bit i dabbled in came in spurts and was usually never in the same place. every night was an adventure, a quest, a party and i reveled. amidst this revelry there was a girl. she was an angel, or dressed like one anyway. so i took her with me. i brought her home once, though not my home. nor hers. and only once. in this time and place, faces melted from one to another and very few of us stayed the same, so hers was noticed only because it was near mine. in a half a dozen cycles of the moon i learned i'd made a mistake. this, in a time when mistakes did not exist. and so i waited patiently for this mistake to go away. eventually it did, t...

early friday morning i was lost on elm st. that's right, Elm St....on Friday the 13th....with Halloween just around the corner....chased by the Army of Darkness. btw does anyone know why blogger sometimes only uploads a fraction of a picture? see well, they look ok there but if you enlarge any of them, WHAMMO!....only portions.

hello hello! after last nights debacle with frying chicken i was worried that i might have to hang up my spatula and give up cooking altogether. but tonight i may have redeemed myself with the remaining better batter dipped bird of potential sustenance. mmmmMmmmm. that was some tasty chicken. super crispy skin with all sorts of herbs and spices. too bad you can not have any. ps why the fuck can i not use the apostrophe? every time i hit it a little "find text" window pops up at the bottom of my screen? what sort of voodoo is this? malarky also...i'm reading The Man Who Japed

have you ever had one of those awkward moments where you run into someone from your past. and then you realize you really didn't want to run into them. and then you realize that they realize that you never wanted to run into them? but it's too late because you've already entered into that "hey i recognize you" hug. my life is like that.

so...i'm not a culinary genius. let's get that right out in front. not a culinary genius . rooting through my fridge i noticed that i was pretty much out of food that didn't come in a cardboard box or can. so i decided to grab what leftovers were around and dropped them all in a pot and let it stew. so a little dab of cooking oil, some curry (yellow and red), bits of chicken, a potato, a good bit of onion, some coconut milk, string beans, a small rock of sugar, some bay leaves and a pinch of tumeric. yep, a masterpiece it was not. edible, not like my first turn at sweet and sour pork which had to be taken out back stomped on, cursed at, set afire and buried. i lost years of my life on that outing. this time it was just a little too sweet (next time a pebble of sugar) and should have been a bit spicier. also it was missing something, but i don't know what yet. if you figure it out, let me know. here's a weird video (sorry kris) , star trek meets nin and uh.... t...

i just had the most grueling conversation ever....wait let me make that bold and enlarge it to emphasize my point... EVER . it seems my purchase of the Indiana Jones boxed set entitled me to a free subscription to Entertainment Weekly. once upon a time, it was mediocre, and amidst this mediocrity i began making actual payments for this small modicum of pleasure and insight into the entertainment industry. sometime during the last year, they must have gone through some sort of staffing shifts or editors may have been shot, i dunno. this mediocresque pamphlet sunk into the category of trash. that's right, i can't even wipe my ass with it because of it's glossy coated paper. if i was interested in American Idol, Desperate Housewives or any sort of cheap celebrity gossip with an almost good facimile of snarkiness it might be worth my time to actually glance through it. but....i'm not. so it has now gotten to the point where i've actually grabbed the thing out of my m...

yesterday, i saw things i'd never once considered before. on the way home from work i came across a car, of the SUV variety parked......on another SUV. or rather parked in the 2 ft of space between SUV number 2 and the median. also, instead of fuzzy dice hanging from the rearview mirror of a passing car i saw a stethoscope. how original, how fancy, how absurd.

this is what i say. brace yourself, click this > link thank you i found this curtesy of the Dooce . now give me money.

what a long and crappy day. that's right. long. and crappy. but then wait...what's this? what did the Amazon fairy leave under my pillow? why it's The Tick vs Season One, and Arrested Development Season 3 and Cemetery Man. woohoo!!

i've recently just finished reading The Lathe of Heaven (Ursula K Leguin) which was a nice reality bending bit of sci-fi, have not seen either movie version yet but plan on it soon. currently i'm working my way through The Name of the Rose (Umberto Eco). The movie is like an abridged version of the book. the director obviously took some liberties in getting the ideas across to a mass audience. still a good movie. also, currently am in the midst of Killing Time (Caleb Carr). i really liked The Alienist and enjoyed The Angel of Darkness . however, i think maybe he should stick to period mystery novels and leave the sci-fi to those better suited for it like William Gibson or Phillip K Dick . i do profess an nodding interest in his book Lessons in Terror . apparently written prior to the war in Iraq (ie. "war on terror". i'll come back to this.....maybe). have just started with The Andromeda Strain (Michael Crichton) and am looking forward to getting int...

i'm going out for coffee. anybody want some? ADDITION: Jowlers!!!

a good way to tell when you need new underwear is if while your out walking about you find that while your pants may still be up, your drawers are somehow around your knees. if after taking off your t-shirt you notice your vision is blurry, check to see if your glasses are in the pile of shirt. leaving the freezer door ajar, causes things inside to become soft and squishy. so if you grab an ice pop expect to eat it very fast or drink it. if you think it was a shart. it probably was. don't do it again.

as you may have noticed, i've become deliquent in my blogging. i blame the liberal media. oh wait, i don't have any media exposure anymore. alas, no tv, internet privileges revoked at work via threats of firings, radio is out because i may accidentally hear some of this new emo-esque garbage the world might end if i hear dashboard confessional. or is that out now? i'm so 5 minutes ago i don't even know what's out there not to like! i hear nickleback is out there ripping themselves off some more though. here if you haven't heard this yet. (it still makes me laugh) hopefully the carbon copy nu-metal phase has moved on too. so....one of the reasons i haven't kept up with this here blog is that my life is stagnating again. and i haven't the gumption to unstagnify it. there's only so much i can gripe about my work environment before even i feel the need to blast a handful of knuckles through my face. i haven't even had any more "my pants ...

why do i love break dancing? and good guitarists too.

i haven't really had time/mental wherewithal to blog lately. you may have noticed this. then again, maybe you haven't. regardless, here i am because i had to share this with you. a few posts back, i put a link up that had something or other to do with witchcraft. now i never gave them my e-mail addr but each of their e-mails show up in my inbox addressed to 'monkey'. ie. "monkey, we're confused...." or "monkey, why are they so mad?" or most recently "i am looking for you monkey." (actual e-mail titles.) now, i know they are pretty much just spam. even though on their site, at the very bottom Note: We will never spam, sell or rent your email address. We hate spam as much as you do. but i was curious why they would be looking for me. apparently there is a very secret club that i can join where i will enjoy wealth (of the tremendous variety), health, power and love. currently it is in a beta-testing mode so my fees have been waived. ...

post hornet anigans

nothing is worse than finding out that for the past week your bedroom window was open a crack and in that time a swarm of angry hornets moves in so that when you go to investigate a peculiar noise there you manage to piss them all off and they start swarming in your bedroom, which stinks because that's the room with the ac. update: me-40 hornets-2 (one very painful sting in the noggin. DAMN, THAT HURTS!!!) update 2: tonight i discovered something. i'm allergic to hornet-stings.

while i do have a vast array of peculiar stories in my arsenal, there comes a time when the last hidden surprise must be revealed. i've fired off many of them here on this blog. today i blasted one across the lunch table. the air was of the solid sort and there was a hot pocket on my plate. it was agreed by everyone that i have "the weirdest things" happen to me. i'm always amazed by that. granted i've had a years worth of half hour intervals to share a few bits so they do have a shortened view of who i am. but i still took it as a challenge. some of you may remember a story i had started a long while ago. i never finished it here because in the midst of telling it, it started up again. but it was a tease and it thrilled me for a moment before dropping face first into absolutely nothing. some highlights of the story involved a rehab, some cops, a car chase, a stake out, some madness and a girl. so there i was rambling out this story, because for some reason i d...

today, yes today...it made me wish i was smoking again. but due to this inexplicable want for some sort of anonymity i will forgo (forego? it doesn't look right. what the fuck is wrong with this word?) explanations, that and my boss seems like the kind of guy who would fire you for talking about the workplace. some of you may have noticed that i have cleverly avoided any details about where i work with the exception of the halfwits i work with and the cubicles. god the cubicles, how i dream of rending them in a hulkish fury. and since i'm a creature of habit i will stick with this formula. today i heard someone mocking a (client? customer? poor sap who's money is being fleeced right out the pocket for items sold, services rendered, the pleasure of our company?) for using the word ' expediate ' instead of ' expedite '. what a fool, 'expediate', laughs all around. apparently, we're all a lot smarter than those quarterwits we deal with. links hol...

so, what exactly is intelligence? is it academic? is it a 4.0 avg? is it 1600 SAT scores? what i remember of my highschool and college years was that to get a good grade you simply needed to parrot what the teacher had already said. in fact most of my papers were simply rewordings, paraphrasing of what the teacher had said early on. is that knowledge? if so then, isn't it subjective depending upon what one is exposed to? can you develop intelligence then simply by exposing someone to more? or is it inherent within the person already? say you took Tesla from birth and left him to be raised by wolves, would he no longer be intelligent? maybe intelligence is analytical, the ability to take what is given and formulate new ideas, to draw connections between things. if that's the case couldn't wolf raised Tesla be just as smart, just as able to make connections to draw ideas? or maybe it isn't inherent and must be fostered. then could not anyone be able to be Tesla , give...

if you share conjoined driveways with your neighbors and you live on a busy highway, don't f#$%ing park your car at a 45 degree angle taking up 3/4 of the driveway entrance!!! i had to freakin' back my car into the highway during rushhour traffic to get the proper trajectory to enter my driveway without damaging either vehicle and that involved a small portion of lawn. i like my neighbors, they are generally nice people, you know for someone who speaks in tongues and has a log cabin inside their house (yes inside. i have not been able to get in there to verify it but that's because i value my health.) sure they have a mountain of garbage piled in front of the rusted metal barn, but who doesn't these days. but sometimes the creative parking they do really pisses me off. we already let them park in our back yard so why do they keep leaving their cars smack in the middle of the driveway keeping anyone from coming in or going out? why?!?? WHY, BANJO,WHY!?!?!???!

i was just at Wendy's eating a healthy meal of frescata club sandwich and baked potato when i looked out the window from my 2 feet of table space and saw someone get out of his truck and walk across the parking lot to throw his trash out. nothing odd there. perfectly natural and possibly even environmentally concious. but then when he got back to his truck he threw his cup out of the window into the parking lot. why would he even bother pretending the first time?

Last night I recieved a mass e-mail. Within was a "heartwarming" story told from the viewpoint of the mother of a soldier. The setting involved a check out line in either a grocery store or some equally mundane retail establishment. It regaled us, the mass, with a story of a woman in a burkha who accosted the cashier who was wearing a pin with an american flag. The cashier responded "I'm proud to be an American and will always wear this pin." To which the burkha wearing villain replied "Why won't you stop bombing my people." Here we come to the crucial part of the e-mail. The part foretold by the title as being "the best reponse". A man put his arm around the soldier/son and declared loudly that young men like this one were dying to fight for her freedom. That she was in our country to escape something from hers. That if she was so willing to speak out now they would be glad to ship her right back to Iraq right now. Cheering all around!! ...

it's time to come to terms with the fact that i am clumsy as shit.....but really deft. first it was the dropping the soap in the shower and catching it while it was on route to the bottom of the tub. now i've managed to trip up the stairs with full glass of iced tea in one hand, a book in the other while chewing a piece of bread. and i managed it without spilling a drop. i know you're all jealous of lack of inner balance and my adroit handling of said lack of balance. many of you wonder how to go about walking into walls and still looking cool and impressive. and i wish i could teach you (and then market it on all late night cable channels and earn a lot of money) but it's simply something you have to be born with. so to all of you out there wishing to whatever lords of judgement you happen to wish at. don't fret, some day you will find your calling as well.

today i saw a samurai sword flash in the headlights of passing traffic. today i saw chest high grass become knee high grass. today i saw how someone shoots righty while sitting and lefty while standing. today i saw aliens on my tv. ummmm.....yesterday....

some thoughts i had today included: What the heck? Why is everything on my screen blue? I wonder who will cut the grass. X-files rocks. and finally, i'm a hard worker, it's pretty much accepted by everyone i've worked for and worked with. i've earned my bonuses (which to date is the monetary equivalent of umm...say about $150, give or take a few tax dollars....yeah...i know) so, where was i....oh right, i work hard and i'm good (for the most part) at what i do. now, while i don't particularly like him i'm sure tom cruise also works hard and he's very good at what he does, which is essentially, well...act like tom cruise. (don't tell me you haven't noticed that he plays the same character in every movie) but i look at my $150 in bonuses and compare it to the $100,000,000 he made for acting in War of the Worlds and well....i see an imbalance here. i know his supporters will point out things like he bought coffee for the crew. what's that abou...

nothing to say..... echo location.... her 21st art in dust (that's insane!) what?

As I sit here and type this two EMS vans are backing into the conjoined driveway between my neighbors' house and mine. To be quite honest I don't know them very well and most of what I know is heresay. But this is the second time they've been by in a week. Apparently, this past weekend they made a stop. This weekend I also saw their cat lying on the side of the road. Half of it anyway. I suspect whatever gripe I may have* should sit quietly inside my gullet since I can hear them yanking one of those gurneys out of the back right now. If I was a better person I might go out and see if everything is ok. But then, I know it's not and there isn't anything I can do, so I would just be sticking my nose into their business. *i don't mean a gripe about them. just any gripe in general.

ever drop your soap in the shower and catch it again? i did. i'm very proud. and here's some things you might like to see buddhist sand art midget kiss cover band tree house "it was romantic but..." 2-legged dog (this is tripped out) lots of coincidences don't hate me also, for some time now i've been getting a increasing number of hits daily from people looking for odd pernography because of links i used to have up. barbie, video game, furryesque. you know, whatever. but to the guy looking for 11 yr olds. i don't know how you got here, but please feel free not to return. addendum, so i just checked again and someone was looking for 6 yr olds so i deleted an entire months worth of blog posts in hopes that will be the end of it.

As I sat down and prepared to begin the long process of absorbing nutrients out of my 99 cent pot-pie, freshly bombarded with microwaves, I began to glean understanding of the inner workings of the 'office' mentality. I've long said that I feel out of place where I work, that I don't identify with the people around me. That beyond small talk, I have little or nothing to say to most everyone there. I don't possess the 'ambition'/'kiss ass ability' to excel in this environment. But I digress. As I dug my plastic utensil into the crust of my savory and delicious pot-pie one of my co-workers said to another, "What is that?" Pointing an inquistive yet mildly accusing finger at the mush lying in his tupper-ware. "Hamburger Helper," he responded. In fact, if you were to ask him that question on any given day his answer would always be "Hamburger Helper". "Beef stroganoff," he embellished a little more. "You alw...

last week, while i was locked inside an ugly office building, the weather teased and taunted me through the two windows in the place. within the building i was subjected to "crack" and mind numbing cubicle conversations. and the outside laughed at me and made me promises. so i took some time off, to enjoy the balminess. and what happens? it friggin' snowed again!!! i woke up to see the tree just outside my bedroom window powdered up and thumbing it's nose at me. what could i do? i closed my eyes and slept for another few hours. and for some reason i dreamed of bears.

3 blog posts in one week?!? I know! What the fuck?!? so i was over at glomgolds house of love (love of cops, magazine customer service and orange cleaner) and was inspired to compile a list of things i've been pulled over for. no full stop at a stopsign (backroads, 2:30am) speeding (40 in a 35) speeding (98 in 55, 2 more seconds i would have been off the highway, 2 seconds earlier he would have nailed me at 120 in a 55) improper lane change (2 nights into my owning a license, didn't know cops didn't follow speed limits and tried to switch lanes into him) failure to signal (at a fork in the road, i was going straight/right) highbeams in on coming traffic (after midnight, backroads and i turned them off as soon as i saw headlights coming the other way) left rear wheel cut over the corner of one of the double yellow lines while making a left making a suspicious left turn (yep) after that i stopped paying attention for two reasons 1) my friends and i were getting pulled...

an unfortunate discovery today. clearly the consumption of coffee, while having the desired of effect of shocking the system into a false sense of alertness, has certain drawbacks. we'll disregard the withdrawal headaches and crankiness for now and focus on a certain diuretic effect. the delicate pounding of the bladder. the incessant call of the porceline gods. all leading to adventures down the hall in the men's room. now, i have no complaints about the sanitation abilities of our local custodians. in fact, i'm damned pleased by it. the tiles on the walls gleam with a reflective quality. were i the vain type i might admire my coif as i released my post liver filtered coffee. i happen to be an observer. little things, like having lunch in the cafeteria with some co-workers and noticing that our IT tech just came in and grabbed an armful of coffee packets. everyone else saw him and probably caught that he had just pilfered the coffee stash, enough so that he was droppin...

As the minutes crawl by they pause to laugh in my face before continuing into the slow pile they've created that will eventually be constructed into an hour that will in turn mock me before passing on. I've tried to distract myself with all manner of office games ranging from e-mailing other office inmates, sneaking games of sudoku, and writing about the slow progress of time. Through the wall I hear the chattering of an angry call. No one else understands what they hear but it is my native tongue and my native ear wriggles and folds in to keep the words at bay. Veins course sluggishly with caffiene that will eventually settle in the stomach lining that will slowly dissolve away into ulcer. Synthetic coagulated adrenaline brings an artificial sense of awake. In truth I won't be awake for hours. And they are slow to come. I've been carefully questing through the internet and somewhere a server marks my passage. What I've discovered...

what?

so, firefox just crapped out on me. i've lost most of my passwords that were saved and all my bookmarks. but the thing that bugged me the most was that now when i come here the text bounces back and forth from bold to regular text and it was hurting my eyes. i never did figure out why it did that sometimes. anyway, i'll soon have this up to snuff again.

i wondered today if all walmarts are like the one over here. it is situated smack in the middle of redneck central jersey in the town that has yet to remove all the asbestos from the water supply and lives in denial of it. so please, tell me, can you play count the mullets at your local walmart? are most of the employees there either missing hair in odd places, growing hair in odd places, lacking in teeth/brains/civility? the trashiest people i know are always around the corner of the next aisle waiting to spring out and tell me about what scanty delights they are purchasing to not wear whilst vacationing in the next town over with their slightly less than cro-mag counterparts. (please differentiate between "know" and "associate with".) after reading that i realized that i must be a callous judgemental prick. so be it. but if you knew the people that show up in my life......

apparently somebody told everyone that i like granny-porn, since my e-mail is constantly flooded with offers of "gum jobs". also, somehow this site has become a beacon for those looking for "furry porn" and "video game porn". as i get about 20 hits a day from people looking for it. so for those of you searching for "fantasy porn", i apologize for my lack of perversion. but watch this octopus walk on two legs.

peanut butter and toothpaste are incompatible.

why yes that is a sideways bicycle . and yes that is an enormous mustache. catholic confessional hotline. yep. is the guy in the third video wearing a bike helmet? chuck norris in the ultimate showdown juggler game .....though it loses it's thrill after a while that's right boys and girls Amish Porn. and finally, a video of a shark tearing some guys leg to pieces. ___________________________________________ so, in case you're wondering about the title, some fembot mullet wearing, trailer park living old lady said that to me today. and as for my last post. i think the answer is "when you decide to get a job at walmart."

i would like to pose a question. now this is directed at a select/limited audience that i may or may not have here, but even if this doesn't apply to you please feel free to give an answer. are you ready? ok........ladies.......when in life do you decide "to hell with it, i'm not gonna shave this beard off anymore." ? no, it isn't some (not so) clever euphemism pertaining to the golden cloak that covers yer yams (i don't even know what that means). i'm talkin' 5 o'clock shadow, i'm talkin' don johnson circa miami vice, i'm talkin' chuck norris. when do you decide "fuck you vogue magazine, look at my splendid hirsute glory"?