Hall of the Monkey King

years ago, when i was a wee lad, we had the idea of throwing a Depends party and locking off the bathroom. this idea was tossed because, drunk guys in diapers lead to bad things on your couch. also, no girls liked the idea and who wants a sausage party? another idea that never happened was to fill a room with air conditioners and jello and float a keg in it, like a big metallic slice of banana, with a tap. course you would have to eat your way to the keg. and well....that's a lot of jello to eat. tomorrow...more good ideas that i never did.

i had to lift the aqua-teen alert....so good.

so i was away for a bit then this stupid DSL line keeps cutting out. bah. i'm presently experimenting with some different templates and playing with HTML code. so if this looks weird to you let me know. and if you know some of this coding business maybe you could help me out. that nav-bar at the top...what tells it where it's going to be? when i look at the source code visiting my page, i can see it sitting there. mocking me. it doesn't show up in the template when i look back here. another one of the templates i was using i changed so much i don't remember what it originally looked like. i got it all kind of how i want it but then the nav bar turns into a pile of junk covering the top of the table on the right. what can i do about this? anyone? come on anyone? this may all be very temporary so....

my nose is doing some serious itching right now kids. doesn't that signify something sinister? speaking of which...within the past week, i have witnessed a fight, almost been a part of one, and witnessed the possibility of another. this good luck coin of mine isn't doing it's work. i'm gonna have to beat up that old guy what gave it to me. so a few thoughts i would like to share. i just read a story about the great turkey heist of 2004. this has become one of my favorite blog stops. my recommendation is to go there yerself. (she seems to like the word 'terlit' so be careful with it's usage) i think i mentioned the turkey that got itself stole from my house years back. also in this house....whew, if you thought the kitchen from the other day was bad....this one should have gotten the house condemned. when i had moved in (because of the stupid racist guy who lived in the house across the street. the house i was living in til i realized that i was going

today i met the uncle of the man who directed the new Dawn of the Dead. he thought it was a comedy. we talked for a bit about the movie and such and ended with his detailing how to get around spending a fortune to tour through asia. he was a fan of indonesia. nice guy. his nephew made millions of dollars last year. which is about oh....a whole lot more than i did. he may have made more than me and all of my friends combined last year. bastard. i also met a man who told me that the last piece of music he bought was on an 8-track tape. holy bejeezus! that's a long time to go without buying music. also, once in a past life i used to tame lions. but i wasn't very good, which is why it was a past life. here are some links to other tellings of the man from manville. God Has Wheels Seventh Circle feel free to write about him yourself .... and leave the link.

Manville leaves welts on my soul. the name itself implies badness. 'the man'ville. it has been forcefully brought to my attention that i really don't like white trash, hillbillies or rednecks. particularly ones that get belligerent after THEY have done something foolish. don't blame me for your gene pool. i only slept with yer mom once. the man actually had the gall to tell me he was going to tell on me to his brother. oh....he also had a Bush cap on. go figure. another note in the same vein. apparently my engrish is not too good, because when i said "hey, can you help me out?" it sounded a lot like, "hey could you pretend to help me out but not really do much of anything, and oh...could you act really arrogant and condescending while you're busy not doing anything?" see. i thought i had mastered the language but... enough of that. on to other things. pestilence hath layeth the smackdown on me. but i fought the good fight ar

i feel bad about having nothing to say so (read the title). here's a pic of me and moe (mentioned in the dream ) hard at work. here's a pornographic picture of a cat i met in seattle. these pants showed up at the afore mentioned party and i thought you might need to see them. modeled by John The Mutant. when i was living in Hillsborough there was an amazing amount of weather happening. one day all the towns around us went underwater. my town became an island. i took pictures . here's a picture of how long my hair was once, in seattle (note the garb). the other guy is my friend larry. (sorry, i still don't have a pic of my my new head) this is PJ (short for Poo Juice) she got deported and now lives in cali somewhere. she likes beer. and another pic of my sausage . actually, the sausage had changed hands and belonged to Sara and Mark....but it's still my sausage.

i have nothing to say tonight. i actually have many things to say but am just not in the mood to spill it out for you. do you hate me?

today i have decided to begin telling you about some of my past living experiences. at one point in time i was living with my band Lumous. (actually just the bassist and other guitarist) there were a total of 6 people living there plus a basset hound. the house was one of the oldest most decrepit houses i have ever seen. plus it was haunted. however it suit our finances and loud music making needs since we were on the highway. oftentimes we would pull out some chairs and sit by the fence waving to and laughing at people stuck in rushhour traffic. the house itself was huge (it used to be an old stage house) and painted an ugly yellow. there was a dandelion on the side of the house that was taller than i was. many were the nights where we huddled around the fridge and ate BJ Wholesale meatballs on cheez-its for dinner. the basset hound would gnaw on the refridgerator cord. (he actually chewed through it...twice. it was still plugged in when we came home with the broken cord just sticki

so here i am sitting here assessing the accomplishments in my life. and unfortunately the list seems rather small. if i count up expierences, well...i got an odd assortment of those lying about. lessee...i got a cd out. (unfortunately only one.) one of my songs was used in trailer for a very 'b' horror movie . (the trailer was the best part. every death, and surprise twist was in the trailer) dunno who did this movie....some guy on the left coast. and since then my sister has had one of her songs used in a Vince Neil (of Motley Crue fame) line of softcore por n . (beats my ' b' horror trailer ) and will be out on a Jimmy (of Jimmy Eat World ) compilation disc. (again, beating my 'b' horror trailer ) she's laughed at celebrities in their presence ( bob sagat ) she turned down a BBQ at John Carpenter's ( John Fuckin' Carpenter ) was working at the studio where Warren Zevon recorded his last album . she has got my dream job of watching

so somebody asked me today if i was old enough to buy those cigarettes i was plannin' on smokin'. i'm not sure if i'm at the age yet to be flattered by that or not. if i had a dollar for every time i pooped (and not from some crazy old guy with died hair and carries with him large coin money), i would have a lot of dollars. also, i hate it when there's a fly buzzing around while your dropping some beans in the terlit. i mean do you really want to get up and swat it when it means running a risk? it's much more effective to actually know what you're doing than pretend that you know what you're doing. although if you work at it hard enough you might become president. again. why is somebody walking on my roof? is there a book on IM'ing etiquette? cuz i got some questions. i wonder how that krabby patty tastes. holy cow! that's a big ball of lint!

so earlier on today i was trying to think of societies or civilizations past or present that may have existed without some form of religion. i didn't think of any so i deduced that human society needs some form of religion to exist. now i personally have no religion, not having been brought with any, but i think maybe on a grander scale. so then i started to wonder about the size of my brain and what that means in terms of intellect, say compared to a dolphin or whales. now i know that dolphins have an understanding of self, and time. they have a spoken language and names, live in a hierarchal society (this was told to me, so i can't verify the truth of it) etc.... do they have societies without religion? if they do have religion what do they worship? mightn't it be possible that i am a dolphin god? shin, the mighty god of click click eck eck eck.

so...my brother told me today that he happened to surf into a 'white power' blog. something like "thesouthwillrise.blogspot.com" but not quite cuz ....well it wasn't there. i took it upon myself to go hunting. part of me wanted to see who he voted for. i have my suspicions. anyway, i couldn't find this site anywhere. i googled with terms like "racial purity" "white supremacy" "south will rise". i even mis-spelled them, thinking that they might not be too bright. no luck. i did however find a million religious sites. make of that what you will. and i did find this. now...before you go there be forewarned that it is indeed a "white nationalist" site. i'm sure their looking at their hit counter and thinking "see...this is much more prevelant than we thought" or maybe "we gawn git those fuckers good. ayup." not realizing that a significant portion of those hits are probably p

this guy makes the coolest puppets he also makes some cool sand sculpture stuff. do you love chips? go here and talk about it. holy crap! " Humpty Dumpty Sour Cream & Clam Artificially Flavored Ripple Chips "

an odd thing.... early this morning i was approached by a man. an older man. for some unknown reason he gave me a dollar. no mere piece of folding money, but a coin, not one of them sacagawea coins but one of those big ole fat coins. he imbued it with his good will and luck and 'vibrations'. yeah, i don't know what's up with that. he slipped it to me in a handshake. so i didn't know what was coming. we got the impression (that is, myself and my witness) that he was making moves on me. i smiled politely and inched away a little. he continued to pat me on my shoulder and ask me questions like "what's your birthday?" i told him and he said "oh a scorpio" and proceded to tell me all about the traits and qualities i have. (the ole what's yer sign schtick, i guess) perhaps he detected the 'not gay' aura surrounding me but he left it at that. could be that he was just kinda friendly and felt like giving me some cash.

so the general consensus is that i'm much more handsome now. yep....i should have altered my hair style years ago. the ladies would have been rollin' in trying to get a piece o' me. i do regret not keeping two long strands on each side and perfecting the ultimate comb-over. ah well...next time.

this is another dream i had. i had this pain growing in the back of my neck which hurt real bad so i had it magically or surgically removed. but later it came back, only this time it was located at the small of my back. twisting a little i could actually see it. it was this weird boney, metal enmeshed protrusion that was just pushing through the skin. it hurt REAL bad, but it gave me access to cable tv. ps. someone once broke into one of the houses i used to live in and stole the thanksgiving turkey. and that's it. those bastards.

before you read this you should read the one below. you don't have to....really.... so one day at work i ran into a friend of mine (we'll call him....Little Gay Sean). i'd had this insane dream just the other day where he made a cameo, i figured i should tell him. we were outside, around the corner where the smokers go. i began telling him about this dream when i see this woman, middle age-ish, short hair, somehow familiar looking and easily forgotten, peek back around the corner at us. promptly i forgot her and started giving him the strange details, when i saw her walk back to the corner and look at us again. ok, still not worth noticing really, so i continued to tell the story. the third time she came around she started to walk up to us. i pasued and looked at her. she looks at me and goes, "do you know Paul?" i thought maybe it was one of the new cats they hired so i asked "is it one of the new cats we hired?" she looked at m

i once had this dream where i was with my friend Moe (who is an extremely beautiful girl who has the quirkiest sense of humor i know, makes me laugh, is the only person i know that dreams like and hates brushing her teeth. she also had a car named beer, it said so right on the bumpersticker) and we were running around trying to get out. we were in some sort of flea market (very blade runneresque) only it was entirely indoors and asian. after scrambling about we came to a large auditorium with stadium seating. for some odd reason everyone was crawling around on the ground. i then realized that we were in an asian peepshow and that i had a pocketful of quarters. but then....i was really late to work. off we go again and eventually we find the way. all this time the exit was in the chinese restaurant that we had been at earlier. it occured to me at that moment that we never got our food. that's when i noticed the button marked 'chicken', which of course was we should have done

so i climbed a huge mound of dirt (almost a hill really) in the dark to get a good view. north wasn't where i left it. what makes aurora borealis so cool?!?! did i mention the HUGE mound of dirt? don't forget to leave bowl of hot lather out.

state IQ and who they voted for here. a game where you're a seagull crapping on beach-goers. porn for the blind (you need speakers or else you'll think i'm a perv) holy cow thats a lotta cats. pencil anima tion ramen reviews

what the hell is his name?

rumor has it that if you look to the north tonight at around 11:00 pm (jersey time) you will see some northern lights. where's my skully? my heads gonna be cold.

what did humanity do before the invention of nail clippers?

after some time away, i've decided that going back to my place of employment is a bad choice. the mini-motor-troll, sometimes known as beelzebub, whom i've mentioned before, having seen my newly revised head went on and on about my dashing good looks, how i looked years younger, which is almost awful (i got carded for an 'R' movie a few monthes ago by some kid younger than my goatee) but then...maybe not so bad. now i can go 'cruisin' at the mall. i've gone out of my way to show no civility to her and yet she persists on existing. would it make me a bad person if i shoved her into a quisinart and served her up as paté to homeless people? on a different note....bad drivers from pennsylvania can all go fuck off. embittered.....grrr.... time to remove my slacks

last night i was mocked for the second time for the size of my archaic cell-phone. i tell people my last one had a rotary dial on it. the battery was this big cell that i carried around in a backpack. the thing is, i need a new one. i was just looking the other day at the verizon store. unfortunately i'm kind of locked into a deal with AT&T. this monster phone of mine has good reception in only two places. in my room, and just outside of work. anywhere else and i run the risk of doing the "can you hear me? can you hear me now?" bah! my next cell phone with be able to take photos, intimidate people and make toast. probably it will make a better president too.

so i was listening to one of my new bob marley records and my record player is all geeked out now. the speed keeps changing so that it's like i'm listening to it through an aural bubble. bah my brain is sluggish today. feels like my head turned into a cabbage while i was sleeping. nothing has worked right today.

what england thinks of us. here too. more china germany japan well this one has clippings from everywhere. world europe england sure seems to have a lot of opinions some forum sorry i couldn't find more recent stuff

third attempt at this post. stupid post publishing issues. these should be safe to open at work: some weird stuff with toes he stole her arm? odd japanese shirt-folding video ways to creep out your co-workers these should also be safe unless you work..... say at a christian academy/radio station: he did it for revenge for girls who have been thinking "people just aren't looking at my breasts enough" eating worms game . the bald guy in this video sacres me a little (takes a while to load) maybe not at work: the animation makes this even funnier . i am curious though this will calculate it all out for you then after that take some classes here but keep the scrotal safety commission in mind lament with the everyone has more sex than me animation even vegetables

i've been lax on giving out the monkeys. so here's another one.

lookit the size of that thing! it's huge!

in the wake of this election fiasco i learned that my psychiatrist is very big on conspiracy theory. she's always been a little off to me but she keeps me sedated with scripts. now, i'm not discounting what she has to say but.... it sort of came out of nowhere. one minute we're talking about me, next minute i'm leaving, next 15 minutes she has me cornered and unloads all of her conspiracy theories pertaining to 9/11, the election, skulls and bones, that her apartment getting robbed was a result of Bush, the psychological impact of the number 911. granted, most of what she had to say wasn't said directly, much was implied. also i was listening to her tell it in clipped english as a second language format. i understood all the psychological aspects of what she was getting at, but all i wanted was to leave so i could get a yummy spicy chicken sandwich from wendy's. both kerry and bush were members of the skulls and bones.

The other night I had this dream. In this dream I had a dream. The dream within was almost a memory of the night of the haunting that I posted back there somewhere in the archive . I tend to have lucid dreams most of the time. So in my dream I was trying to wake myself up because I knew I was just dreaming that night over again. I would wake up and fall back asleep again, wake up and fall back..... I distinctly remember that in my dream I was lying on my back, in the dream in the dream, I was on my right side again, and the left side of my body was doing the skin dance thing. Even when I woke up in the dream I still felt the crawling on only my left side. In the interior dream I wanted to reach for my cell phone and call someone. In my dream I remembered that at the time of the haunting I didn’t have my phone. However, I had it then. But in reality I also didn’t know where my phone was. Am I talking in circles or is this making sense? The question I have is, was what I was having a l

i have a few things to say about shaving. firstly, have you ever shaved and not realized you missed a significant patch and walked around for days with wisps just sort of floating about haphazardly on your face? whoo....that's embarrassing. akin to splitting yer pants at work on a day you went commando for lack of clean laundry purposes. it was brought to my attention today that the opinion exists out there that shaving your head makes you look like a big penis. all be it, a rather bristley tipped one. hadn't considered the possibility of looking like a giant phallus. i've never been a huge fan of body hair. i think i once mentioned my discomfort with hirsutes. i dated a girl once who didn't shave her pits. boy, it was like i was in europe. (meaning no disrepect to europeans of course) a thicket i tell you. i guess i don't really have much more to say on this topic. and i didn't even make any anti-Bush jokes.