"I'm thinking of something bluuuee."
i wonder sometimes how much a thought goes towards 21 grams. a minute fraction of a milligram would be my guess. it's just that sometimes there are so many my head feels weighty and it begins to drag upon the floor as i walk. when they begin interlacing, folding in upon each other, i start to worry. more towards wadding than dovetailing, and the truth is that i'm a bit of a paranoiac.
a part of me hopes there is something in my genetics that makes me this way. an explanation. an excuse. reason away the horrors i bestow upon myself. pacify the shame. i keep returning to the medical fixin's bar while various doctors give me various answers, and not all of them coincide. oh the smorgasbord of different colored and shaped pills and until this recent combination none of them were satisfactory. those of you who know me on a personal level can probably attest to the difference. so here i am, just outside the ebon shroud. the problem is this.....i see things now. just out of the corners of my eyes, i catch a movement, a flash of light, a trickery, a shadow, a thimble full of bad dreams. and still i'm paranoid. of course, sometimes they really were after me so maybe i'm not. whatever the case, my present state is much more 'preferable' to the previous one. for me and those close to me, i'm sure. another truth is, i might never have even taken this step were it not for others nudging me gently in that direction.
so i worry, so i fret, and even if i'm aware it happens anyway. and it still doesn't explain why i had to take a chair in my sac tonight.
a part of me hopes there is something in my genetics that makes me this way. an explanation. an excuse. reason away the horrors i bestow upon myself. pacify the shame. i keep returning to the medical fixin's bar while various doctors give me various answers, and not all of them coincide. oh the smorgasbord of different colored and shaped pills and until this recent combination none of them were satisfactory. those of you who know me on a personal level can probably attest to the difference. so here i am, just outside the ebon shroud. the problem is this.....i see things now. just out of the corners of my eyes, i catch a movement, a flash of light, a trickery, a shadow, a thimble full of bad dreams. and still i'm paranoid. of course, sometimes they really were after me so maybe i'm not. whatever the case, my present state is much more 'preferable' to the previous one. for me and those close to me, i'm sure. another truth is, i might never have even taken this step were it not for others nudging me gently in that direction.
so i worry, so i fret, and even if i'm aware it happens anyway. and it still doesn't explain why i had to take a chair in my sac tonight.
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